me and may 11. 2015 (finally)

and then i turn off the lights, the television, and i am half-naked crawling into bed afraid to fall asleep and afraid i’ll never fall asleep again because who knows what is possible during these hours?

i haven’t been able to write a thing in so long.

things have changed so much since my treatments – good bad or everything has stayed the same and i have just tripped and fallen so deep into this dream that it doesn’t really matter if things are better or not. i can sit here in wonder and i am aware of one thousand things that are breaking my brain and my heart and then i am full of air and then deflated and everything sounds lovely like strawberries. i wish i could write to you more. you sound so amazing.

what have i been doing and how have i felt?

i am so lost, and the more everything shines the more lost i feel.

i recently started working again – i wasn’t ready to work, but i was getting to a point where i wasn’t going to be able to support myself anymore, and i couldn’t rely on ever getting in front of a judge to argue for the social security benefits. so i stopped going to my outpatient program, joined the real world again, and recently realized i am back where i started. don’t get me wrong, i really like the job, really like the people, and i know it’s good for me to be forced to leave my house every day and have something to do.  i just wish i could have been prepared for it. too much stuff was happening at once and rather than try and drive myself crazy by juggling it all, i let other things crash down around me and am now trying to figure out how to make them better. and those of you who know me outside of this little blog probably cannot even see it. i know how to put on the mask and swallow this shit. it’s what i do. it’s what i’ve done forever.

cue the whining, the poor me this doesn’t matter nonsense that has gotten inside and probably played a silent role in keeping me from writing – but i can get overwhelmed so easily, and when it happens i just don’t know how to deal. and eventually all of those things that i couldn’t handle come back.

right about when i started working my doctor increased my wellbutrin up to 450mg a day. i’ve been on that dose before and i felt like it was helping, so i was excited. and then my insurance company decided they didn’t want to pay for that high of a dose. i have no fucking idea why. my doctor’s office tried to appeal it and i got a nice little letter in the mail saying it was an unusually high dose (even though they had paid for me to be on that dose before) and that they wouldn’t cover it. and then my regular dose ran out and i was out of wellbutrin for the first time in over a year. maybe much longer. i don’t know.

and i said ‘fuck it,’ and just stopped taking my medications.

all of them. the anti depressant to try and make me happy. the atavan to calm my anxiety. and the small amount of seroquel that was helping (?) me to sleep.

i know.

i know.

bad sean. not good. stupid to do.

and i cannot explain it any better than to say trying to work 40+ hours a week after not working for a year and then trying to have to deal with the insurance company and my doctor’s office and make phone calls back and forth and back and forth and ugh fucking money and goddamn i’ve gained like 20 pounds since the treatments and i feel so horrible and ugly and disgusting and i need these meds and i don’t need these meds and oh great i don’t know what to do except to try and focus on one thing and hope it works out so yeah i really need the meds but i stare at the bottles and don’t can’t take them and i can’t even find a good excuse to sell myself.

clear enough, right?

and every day i sit there and look at my phone and know i need to make these calls. i need to ask my doctor to write me more prescriptions, find out how much wellbutrin my insurance will pay for, and try and get my head kind of back from wherever i left it in early april. it sounds so easy to everybody and nobody. and i know i will do it eventually. i feel myself growing mentally weaker every day and when i absolutely cannot take it anymore i’ll do what i can. i suppose.

life, man. all of it. every last little thing.

i’ve been holding onto all of it and i miss being able to get on here and spout all my bullshit.

it just sits in my head like some half-digested uncomfortable ugly porno diarrhea daydream that i just cannot wake up from. and i’ll go about my day, smiling and clapping my hands as i sometimes secretly wish i were numb inside – that the brain shocks had worked too well and left me dumb and drooling and unable to even process sadness anymore. just roll me up in a blanket, stuff me in some old refrigerator box and leave me in an alley. someday the rats will chew through me and i’ll have no idea why all i can see in my head is blank mirrors and cinnamon toast.

writing this has felt good. i hope i can keep it up. it’s like i have been holding in a sneeze for the past month and a half and now my floor is covered in snot and dust and brains and blood and words and i’ll take a deep breath. i’ll relax for the evening.

i’ll keep the panic away for as long as i can.

 

and a completely sincere ‘thank you’ to all of you who have been checking on me. i really really appreciate it and will do a much better job letting you know that. ❤

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/05/11.

11 Responses to “me and may 11. 2015 (finally)”

  1. 😒😥😔 I so understand where you are and how you feel like you are just going through the motions of life… I don’t understand how other people deal and why I can’t be like them… I feel ya… I won’t say hang in there because well because… I know that there have been times in my life when, if ONE more person said that I would completely lose it; so, I will say this, do what ever you feel you need to to try to work yourself out of your depths… I miss the sunshine that you were able to bring to my life… Love ya miss ya mean it!

  2. Just good to hear your words again Sean. Hope to see you at a meeting soon as well. Really miss you.

  3. I do not have time for a proper response/comment, which really is not true as the only thing I have is time. But for now I guess I do not have the time and mind to think of what I want to say. Life is hard. There is no getting around that, maybe for some it is easy but I am not among those who think life if easy. Like you I wear a mask, only mine is make-up and a lot of hard work to not show emotions. In the past many thought my life was perfect, wished their lives were like mine, but they did not see behind my eyes into my mind to see how it really felt. I am older than you I am guessing and would like to say it gets easier, but for me there have been ups and downs, even the “good” times are not easy as they should be. I think only those whose lives are not perfect understand how hard life really is. You are trying, that is the biggest step you can make. I have a hard time making phone calls too, in fact simple calls are like torture, even if it is with a family member or friend. I think we have to allow ourselves failure or not doing what we had wanted, give ourselves an excuse or whatever it should be called. If not, we end up with guilt and guilt just adds to the problem. As for your medicine problems, your doctor did not try hard enough or maybe he did and the insurance is giving him a hard time. It is hard for the doctors too, as when they have to put in an appeal for something, drugs, tests, it goes against their records with the insurance companies and the insurance companies can refuse the doctor to be part of “their network”. I have had problems myself and given up, when it came to medications or tests for my now dead husband I fought tooth and nail to get him whatever was needed. He was lucky, his doctors fought for him too when the insurance refused to pay for certain tests or drugs. His doctors always won for him, getting him the drugs or tests needed. Many went the extra mile trying to get some of his very expensive drugs for free, most times they failed, sometimes they were able to at least get them a little cheaper for him. Also, doctors can have their license pulled and can no longer treat people if they prescribe too much. I know I get mad when I have to suffer from migraines and my doctor will not give more medication as the cost for her might be her license. My husbands doctors were not afraid of losing their licenses. I probably should change doctors, but like you, it is too hard to pick up the phone and make the calls, see someone new, explain the symptoms, etc. So I suffer, from migraines and panic…and the loss of my husband. I tell people I want to start living, not merely existing but it seems everything is a challenge. I hope you find a way to deal with everything you are going through. It is not easy, but just being here and able to write is a big step. I look forward to one day reading that you are starting to feel happy. I do not think there is a normal, but if we can be happy it is a huge win for ourselves. It is nice to meet you, if only though WordPress.

  4. 💕always, every single word🐰

  5. Hey stranger. ;0) I’m glad to see that you were able to pour it all out again. I’m not sure if many know just how much that hurts (and feels good too). Just to reiterate, been there- done that- drool and all, and believe me mate, if you can make sentences- you’re a huge leap above where I used to be.

    Also, it CAN be done. I’m 100 % (doctor-prescribed) medication free- everything. You may remember that I do my own “medicinal regimen”- and I’ve been weaning myself off even that- down by 50% of what I’m used to for 3 years. The first few weeks were hell!: I had to thaw out, and with that came rolling waves of (very deep) pain. But I figured, if I walk through the glass, and really feel it- I won’t have to keep doing it. So…I’m remarkably better today. Some days aren’t so fun, but most are “doable”.

    I’m pulling for you that you’ll reach a similar place. Madness, badness, ugliness and unspeakable pain are what lie ahead- I think you know that. But it won’t be permanent! It really does wane away and smiles are easier to come by. (Real ones.)

    Apart from all of this sunshine I’m trying to sell, I feel your pain and know how real it is. My thoughts and feeling are with you. x

  6. Hey, just checking up on you. I hope things are going alright in our part of town. Know that there are people who care about you, genuinely. I do. I hope you’re alright. x

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