me and may 02. 2018

tonight: once and my lights go out and i begin to melt – and i realize that i’m running out of words and places to hide and ways to hold a ghost and still bury myself beneath my blankets and how to (shhh) never find me lost far away

and how to tell them how i love ___________.

(with tubas. flutes. a violin. a tambourine – for fun.)

when i sleep the dreams are no better. i’m old, i see it all and no happiness is ever easy. i know this, and it’s not a lesson you should have to learn at such a young age.

and i won’t make it far. i know this also. i was already old years ago and now i’m ancient inside and i will always remember how this feels at this very minute and how it feels the same and sometimes so much worse than it did twenty-five years ago – before life scribbled all over my walls and before i knew what unfunny jokes those scribbles covered.

i wish i didn’t feel every single thing. i wish these things didn’t suffocate me and stuff my ears and rest so goddamn heavy on my eyes and my chest and grab my wrists and cut my lips. i wish nobody else in the world had to feel every single thing the way i have to.

now i just wait and i just wait and i just fucking wait. the dead-ends are endless now

and i told you that i am quickly running out of words and soon there will be nothing left to say or write and i will know that something has shifted and my heart is slowing down and when i close my eyes i’ve already balanced the bottles and i’m falling asleep forever beside my shadow and there is no longer any reason to worry.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2018/05/02.

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