alltheavenueslookugly

some people will commit suicide because in their mind, it is better for those that care. end it now and while they will undoubtedly be hurt, you save them the pain of having to look you in the face every day, knowing that you are suffering, and knowing that there is not a goddamn thing they can do about it. if you think that’s a totally bullshit excuse for ending one’s life, then you should probably stop reading this now.

and let’s be clear about something. i would never advocate suicide. i would never tell someone that it’s not going to get better, and choosing suicide is a great idea. this isn’t what this is about. save the fucking hate mail for someone who deserves it. like jesus. just kidding. again, save the hate mail.

if you kill yourself, people are quick to jump up and argue about what a “coward” you were for doing it. you were a selfish, cowardly bastard. and you were only thinking of yourself.

if you happen to survive multiple suicide attempts, maybe because your life was saved without your consent, or you unconsciously vomited up enough of the pills that all you had to look forward to was one hell of a stomach ache, then you are “such a strong person,” “a fighter,” and “brave.”

this makes no fucking sense. if anything, i should be a huge coward, for trying it so many times. that, and the fact that i haven’t succeeded yet, should make me a selfish, cowardly, repeated fucking failure of a person. if you’d like to call me that, go right ahead.

this is ridiculous. it is incredibly insulting and naive to assume that somebody who ends their own life is automatically selfish, while the ones who try and survive are looked at like they just did something amazing. why? because you say so? because you really have no earthly idea of what life was like for this person, and rather than give them the benefit of the doubt, you jump on your soapbox and insist that “suicide is NEVER an option.”

of course it’s an option. and after years of waking up every day and barely making it, it becomes a very attractive option to some people.

for me, as a person who hates to disappoint people and admittedly takes on other people’s shit way too often, the thing that kept me from trying to kill myself for so long was the thought of my family. it was guilt. i couldn’t stand knowing that they would have to go through all of that, and no matter how bad i was suffering, i just couldn’t put them through such a wreck of an experience. hell, i was even concerned about the unknown person–or persons–who were going to have to spend their day finding my body, taking it away, and cleaning up whatever mess i left behind. i felt so guilty. but i was also inching closer and closer to a madness that was going to consume me. i was ready to do whatever i needed to do to feel some relief. the moment i realized i could actually go through with it was the moment that i thought about my loved ones and realized that even knowing that they cared wasn’t enough to keep me alive. that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with just how bad the disease can fuck with you. my mind convinced me that this was the best thing for me and everybody else. it’s not that i didn’t care whether or not they would shattered by this, it’s just that it wasn’t enough anymore. and i tried so hard to push that out of my head, to beat my brain in that battle, and i couldn’t do it.

with this disease comes a lot of that. i’m a fairly intelligent person, i know right from wrong, and i believe i am a pretty nice guy by nature. i can’t tell you how goddamn frustrating it is to be completely aware of how i am acting and to not be able to change it. to not be able to stop the thoughts, and to not be able to just think about something happy and be okay. there are simple things that people will never understand. one day i might wake up and realize that i can’t handle it if another human being even touches me. what the fuck is that? i have no clue. another day i might wake up to a beautiful morning. maybe i am off of work. maybe i have the opportunity to do whatever i want to do. that might include sitting around in my pajamas and listening to veruca salt all day, if i feel so inclined. but instead i spend all day wrestling with the most fucked up and sad thoughts you can imagine. then i realize that my day is over, and i just spent ten hours trying to fight something that i am never going to win.  it’s taken me years to realize that this isn’t the result of me just being a negative person,  or sitting around moping. no, this is my goddamn stupid mean asshole jerk of a brain.

it’s okay to be angry about the situation when someone you care about kills them self. it’s okay to be sad. it’s okay to think that if they were standing in front of you right now you would punch them in the face. but you should give them a hug afterward and not make them feel any fucking worse than they already did.

you have no idea how bad i feel when i hear of people that are in love with life and are robbed of it way before their time. it’s not fair at all. i feel shitty and ungrateful. but i’ve learned that i cannot compare myself with others in this way. i would love to feel that passionate about life, to wake up every morning excited and optimistic. even after at least two VERY near-death experiences, i just don’t. and that sucks. but i cannot help it. and my mind knew that.

i first thought about suicide as early as ten or eleven years old.

seriously. i know that is fucked up.

for the longest time, i didn’t care about making decisions for my future. i knew i had no future. i wasn’t going to make it to 18. then it was 21. 25. and now i’ve made it to 30. and believe me, i don’t think about it much as an accomplishment. if i thought that one day this would get better, and i could look back on these last twenty years and be proud of myself for fighting through it and (just barely) surviving, that would be amazing. but i’m afraid that isn’t going to happen.

i’m afraid that one day, it’s going to get me. it’s that evil.

i will never ever underestimate it again.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/10/10.

Posted in posts about suicide