austin state hallucination.

november or december 1996.

everything sucks to me right now. everything sucks to everyone and all i can think of is how much i wish i was dead. i don’t care if this sounds like angsty emo bullshit whiny poetry crap. it’s the goddamn truth. i want to fucking die. i cannot describe good the feeling that your body is working without you. i feel bugs crawling up the inside of my arms. i feel them eating my skin. my veins have become tiny ladders–

i hate this medicine.

i need this medicine.

everything is dark. i should be sleeping.

i might have been awake now for seventeen hours.

last night was the worst. my new roommate came while i was sleeping and i woke up sometime late. the door was open and i could hear the staff outside my room playing cards or something. i heard a tapping on the tile floor and a beast walked in. a beast. it looked like a hell-sent warthog. it was hideous, ugly, and it smelled. god, it fucking smelled. it looked up at me and i was frozen. i might have pissed my pants if i hadn’t been dehydrated. my eyes were wide and somehow i forced myself to look away. it walked over to the roommate’s bed and hopped up on it like it was the damn family dog. i thought it was going to circle around and then lie down near his feet. it went up to him and started to lick his cheek and for a split second i was relieved and i let my breath out and it growled. it began to bite him, and he didn’t move. and then it started tearing his cheek off. it would rip the pieces off and shake his head and the blood and skin was flying thru the air and sticking to the floor and my roommate never moved. never made a sound. there was so much blood. i tried to open my mouth to yell for the staff. i couldn’t. how could they have not seen this fucking thing walk into our room? and the beast/dog thing just kept ripping up this kid’s face. i wanted to throw up. i could smell the dog and blood and it was puddled up on the floor and i jumped up and ran to the door, slipping in the blood on my way.

i ran out screaming.

‘the beast is killing him! hurry!’

and they stared at me like i was crazy.

i was almost out of breath. i was crying. i just saw this poor kid get killed in his bed.

‘did you hear me?!”

‘um…are you okay?’ one of them asked me.

‘no! it’s killing him! he can’t move! there’s blood all over the floor!’

and the other patients started opening their doors.

the staff told me to calm down.

‘i can’t! look at my feet!’

there was no blood on my feet.

fuck.

they looked confused.

‘please just come in the room. be careful!’

and my new roommate walked out.

he was drugged, but his face was fine. it wasn’t torn up.

everyone stared at me.

‘i swear to god.’ i said.

i sat down on the floor.

i put my head down.

everyone was quiet and staring at me.

‘i saw it kill him.’

they just let me sit there.

finally i looked up, and they were back to their card game. the other patients had gone back to bed. i don’t know how long i had been sitting there.

and i gave up and went back to my room.

of course it was fine. no blood. and the roommate was back asleep with his face.

and i never wanted to sleep again.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/10/03.

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