alltheavenueslookugly

since i began this blog i have received such awesome and supportive messages, emails, and texts, and each one of them has become super special to me. thank you for trusting me with your stories, and for encouraging me to keep this going. as i explained to somebody, it’s really hard for me to take compliments (i think i am getting better) especially when it comes to this blog. but i really do appreciate them all. it saddens me some, to see how many of my friends and friends of friends suffer with things like this. i wish i could help you guys. i really do. we may not be able to cure ourselves, but maybe together we can help each other alleviate some of the day to day pain.

recently, i received a letter from my cousin–a man who is more like a brother to me. he is one of the most stand-up fucking people i have ever met in my life, and one of the few people i feel completely comfortable unloading my bullshit onto. after my suicide attempt in 2004, he came down to visit me in the hospital with my mom and step-dad. he had just started a new journal, and these were two of the entries. with his permission, i have decided to put them up here. i do this because this happened seven years ago, and just a few months ago did we really talk about it. in our talking i learned a few things. one of them being that he thought a certain person (or couple of people) were ultimately the reason i did it, and i believe i helped him understand that what he thought triggered it was only a fraction of the actual problem. while i could admit that the way i was treated by these people was less than fair, and that the thought of it made me sad, ultimately trying to kill myself repeatedly was just something that was going to go down. sometimes you are just hanging in there, barely, and something can happen. maybe it isn’t even something that important. but it is just enough. that doesn’t mean that the fault lies with any person or situation. on the flip side of that, though…if you know somebody is suicidal and you sit there and taunt them, make them feel like dog shit, talk about how the world would be better if they were no longer around, or anything similar to that, and your teasing and prodding pushes them over the edge…then you are a special kind of horrible asshole. i’ll talk more about you fuckers later. most of the time though, it’s just unfortunate timing. it’s also just life.

i would never blame anybody for what i tried to do. this is all me. and honestly, even if deep down i felt there were one or two people who brought this whole shit-storm onto me…i don’t think i could ever hate anyone enough to try and give them that guilt to carry.

anyway…here are the entries:

(note: i did omit a sentence out of it that references something personal and i don’t really feel it’s for me to share. everything else, however, is verbatim.)

September 16th, 2004 (4:22am)
*****, ****, ******* and I are on our way to Houston. Sean apparently overdosed again, and we are going to give him support. This trip is going to be an interesting one. We have to take a different route due to the hurricane (Ivan). There’s not much light from my cell phone, so I’ll continue later.

September 20th, 2004 (1:38pm)
Our trip to Houston went well as far as traveling goes. When we visited with Sean, it pretty much went the same way it did when he overdosed the last time. I didn’t question him about anything. I was way too uncomfortable to do that. The only thing I felt I could do was make idle chitchat and keep from bringing it up. In my heart, I want to believe it was accidental, but there was a note left in his apartment. I’m not an expert on matters like these, but I know it was a suicide note. I wish I knew the right words to say to snap him out of his depression, but I really don’t think there are any words that will work. I really feel for Aunt *****. I can only imagine what she’s going through. I know Uncle **** is upset. Since [OMITTED], he can’t comprehend why Sean would voluntarily give up his life. I don’t understand either. I don’t doubt that he knows that there are people who love him, but I don’t think he can get over those who have rejected him. I wish he could just see it as their loss, but I don’t know if he can. I know things seem so cut and dry to me. Maybe it’s just because I’m strong, but this strength is just a front. I’d probably be hurt from the same type of reaction, but I wouldn’t hurt myself or those I love over it. Like I said, I just don’t understand.

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if this blog can do anything, i hope it can help some of you try to communicate with someone you can trust. try and help them understand as much as they can, and don’t hold it against them if you see them trying to understand but are still struggling. it’s not an easy thing to wrap your head around. there are enough assholes in the world who couldn’t give a fuck about anybody but themselves. find those good people who you love, and who love you…

and just give them a hug. sometimes that’s enough for the moment.

(thanks, cuz. i love you, sir.)

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/11/15.

Posted in posts about suicide