thirty-five years old.
mental illness. bipolar 2 or NOS. borderline personality disorder. anxiety. possibly treatment resistant to medication. self-harm and suicide tendencies. numerous unsuccessful suicide attempts. currently hosting many many sub-disorders.
many psychiatric hospitalizations since i was 14 years old. sometimes for weeks. sometimes for months.
horrible side effect aficionado.
this is not a self-help blog. this is simply a record of my life as i struggle and fight with my mind.
i certainly won’t encourage any self-destructive behavior. but i also will not judge anybody for it.
i do welcome any serious discourse, ideas, supportive suggestions to others. and if you have personal questions, please feel free to email me. i’ll never share anything on here without permission from the sender.
i’m just going to keep writing until i’m done. until i feel like i have shared everything i can. i have twenty-plus years of suffering that needs to come out in a way that doesn’t leave me with anymore scars or late night trips to the emergency room.
maybe this will make things better. maybe my life will be a little more tolerable. maybe it will at least help people understand more about the diseases.
warning: almost every entry on here is going to contain triggers for such issues as self-harm, alcohol/drug addiction, suicidal behaviors, major depressive disorders, eating disorders, etc. please know that before you read any further.
there are so many people who suffer with this. if they are lucky, they find that right medication(s) that makes life manageable. they go on and have (at least) semi-normal relationships, a much sunnier disposition, and they play fetch with their golden retriever in the commercial while the sun sets behind them.
and then there people like me.
a few more things:
1. i have every intention of being as honest as i can be, while still respecting that there are people who are close to me that might read this, and it wouldn’t be fair to discuss them without their consent. some names, dates, events, etc. will be changed for that reason, but do know that ANY feeling i put out there is completely accurate. if i find another way to convey it, that will happen. i will answer any questions you ask, so feel free to comment on here or email me. also, if there’s something specific you want to hear about, let me know. no turning back now.
2. this won’t always be an easy read, just as it isn’t going to be easy to write. and honestly there may be things on here that cause alarm. if it does, please talk to me first. sometimes i just say shit in my head, and sometimes it sounds a lot worse if someone else were to hear it. after so long, and after so many years of knowing what was safe and not safe to talk about with others, i might say things as i vent. i wouldn’t make a serious threat on here as far as my health goes, so please don’t send any police or paramedics to my house without talking to me first.
3. i am in no way advocating ANY of the choices i have made when it comes to coping with this disease. in fact, i would suggest to others that they stay far away from the negative coping methods that i have tried over the years. everyone deals with things in their own way, and this is/was mine. hopefully by reading this you might gain some insight that will help you understand your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, family member, etc. a little better. if so, wonderful. it would be nice to know that i didn’t go through all of this for nothing.
thanks for reading all of this.