mental illness. bipolar 2 or NOS. borderline personality disorder.  anxiety. possibly treatment resistant to medication. self-harm and suicide tendencies. numerous unsuccessful suicide attempts. currently  hosting many many sub-disorders.

horrible side effect aficionado.

this is not a self-help blog. this is simply a record of my life as i struggle and fight with my mind.

i certainly won’t encourage any self-destructive behavior. but i also will not judge anybody for it.

i do welcome any serious discourse, ideas, supportive suggestions to others. and if you have personal questions, please feel free to email me. i’ll never share anything on here without permission from the sender.

i’m just going to keep writing until i’m done. until i feel like i have shared everything i can. i have twenty-plus years of suffering that needs to come out in a way that doesn’t leave me with anymore scars or late night trips to the emergency room.

maybe this will make things better. maybe my life will be a little more tolerable. maybe it will at least help people understand more about the diseases.

warning: almost every entry on here is going to contain triggers for such issues as self-harm, alcohol/drug addiction, suicidal behaviors, major depressive disorders, eating disorders, etc. please know that before you read any further.

there are so many people who suffer with this. if they are lucky, they find that right medication(s) that makes life manageable. they go on and have (at least) semi-normal relationships, a much sunnier disposition, and they play fetch with their golden retriever in the commercial while the sun sets behind them.

and then there people like me.

a few more things:

1. i have every intention of being as honest as i can be, while still respecting that there are people who are close to me that might read this, and it wouldn’t be fair to discuss them without their consent. some names, dates, events, etc. will be changed for that reason, but do know that ANY feeling i put out there is completely accurate. if i find another way to convey it, that will happen. i will answer any questions you ask, so feel free to comment on here or email me. also, if there’s something specific you want to hear about, let me know. no turning back now.

2. this won’t always be an easy read, just as it isn’t going to be easy to write. and honestly there may be things on here that cause alarm. if it does, please talk to me first. sometimes i just say shit in my head, and sometimes it sounds a lot worse if someone else were to hear it. after so long, and after so many years of knowing what was safe and not safe to talk about with others, i might say things as i vent. i wouldn’t make a serious threat on here as far as my health goes, so please don’t send any police or paramedics to my house without talking to me first.


3.  i am in no way advocating ANY of the choices i have made when it comes to coping with this disease. in fact, i would suggest to others that they stay far away from the negative coping methods that i have tried over the years. everyone deals with things in their own way, and this is/was mine. hopefully by reading this you might gain some insight that will help you understand your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, family member, etc. a little better. if so, wonderful. it would be nice to know that i didn’t go through all of this for nothing.

thanks for reading all of this.

64 Responses to “disclaimers”

  1. so glad u r speaking out for yourself and for the rest of us out in the abyss around who feel alone in our suffering, alone in our brain illnesses and bothered by stigma. keep on.

  2. Thank you so much for reading. I will definitely keep going. 🙂

  3. Thank you for sharing your illness. Education is the key. Those who do not live it first hand have a hell of a time understanding.

  4. Hi there, I know I’m really slow in doing this, but I’d like to thank you for the blog subscription. That really meant a lot. Although on the other hand, I think people are crazy (really crazy!) to do it.

    Take care,

  5. thanks for your contribution to reducing stigma – I agree with everything you said above. I think people need to understand how things feel for us “at the time” and the only way to do it is be honest. I am looking forward to your posts. If anything I’ve learnt by blogging myself and reading others blogs, it’s that we are not alone!!

  6. It’s a very brave thing – putting it out there. Here’s one thing I can promise. You won’t be alone with this. You won’t have people that blow you off and dismiss your emotions. There is a huge community of people who are dedicated to helping each other.

    I’m not sure any of us go on to playing catch with the golden retriever with the sky high in the air. Eff those commercials. They really make me angry. Especially the one about the bathrobe and the woman. A pill and even a plethora of pills will never make this go away, even if it can just make it better.

    I’m not going to spout about how it will get better, because I can’t promise you that. I can’t promise you anything except that we’re here. And your voice counts.

  7. thank you so much for reading, luna.

    those commercials are so misleading, and they actually make things worse, as i have people thinking that i just need the right pills and everything will go away. you’re right about that.

    and thank you for not trying to promise something that is impossible to promise. i have met so many amazing bloggers since i started doing this, and all of them are so brave and real. it’s been wonderful.

    you have a great blog. i look forward to reading more.

    • Please, feel free to call me Lulu! I’m not sure how that nickname came to be, but it did. It’s fitting. Looney Lulu!

      The wind-up doll one really ticked me off. I understood the symbolism, but I didn’t appreciate it. Before I started Wellbutrin, it wasn’t like a wind-up doll. It was like I was leaden, and becoming more so everyday. There was no winding me up. It didn’t get better.

      And, it took a long time to stabilize after i got on Wellbutrin. It’s as if someone pulled me into a wall socket! And I yo-yoed around until they got my meds right.

      The point is, even though I’m having a good run and my meds are keeping me stable, I probably won’t always be this way. More adjustments, more meds, monthy checks, the long drive to and from the office. Side effects, side effects. I’ve recently realized that I’m lucky to even remember my own name most days. Big pharma doesn’t want people to see the ugly parts.

      This blogosphere is the most real thing I’ve ever been a part of. Oddly enough. Most of us are hiding behind psuedonyms, protected by fiberglass, plastic, and wires galore. But, people are honest, supportive, respectful, empathetic, and behave in a fashion every human should inspire to embody.

  8. Thank you for adding me to your blog roll!! That is so cool…
    I need to try to make one of those…lol…

  9. Being able to talk about these things, withouth the glares and stares…well you never know what’s happening on the other side of the screen, but you know what I mean…can be therapeutic.

    We tend to keep things bottled up as we have a feeling that no one around us understand us and mock us for our “silly” ways and “silly” ideas on life.

    I am glad you decided to share, not only for your self but also for those who suffer the same fate.

    • hey, thank you so much for reading.

      i’ve loved having the chance to read all these other blogs as it reminds me that there are so many of us going through this.

      it helps me to hope that others might hold on to something they read here and that it might make their life a little easier.

  10. I nominated you for Liebster blog award…
    Check it out here: http://bipolarmuse.com/2012/02/10/liebster-blog-award-2/

  11. I’ve passed you on a note. Please claim it here!: http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/1093/

  12. You’ve been tagged!! Receive your tag and pass it along here… http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/lets-play-a-game/

    Feel good,

    The Quiet Borderline

  13. Hi. I can see you say this is not a self help blog but maybe by writing down all the crap you’re feeling will help, eventually, if only for you to see you’re not alone. Take care x

    • i appreciate it. maybe you are right. it helps to write stuff down, i just didn’t want to give people the impression that this is a place they could turn to for advice and cheering up.
      but i’ve had people tell me that just by reading it has helped them realize that they aren’t alone, so that makes me happy.
      take care, and thank you so much for reading. 🙂

  14. Hi. mrscmonkey here. Just to say if you haven’t already noticed my blog is now http://www.mrscmonkey.com
    If you still wish to follow my musings, come follow!
    Ooh ooh aah aah, where’s my banana?

  15. HI thank you so much for coming across lollipopsandrazorblades. I hope you enjoy the writing it is special to me. This is a private blog that no one in my personal life is aware of. With that said, welcome. It is nice to know someone is reading it. Enjoy it. I am following back.


  16. You are certainly not alone in your experiences. Best of wishes to you from me – Lynne in Liverpool, England.

  17. You are in no way alone; and as someone said above, perhaps this blog will help you. I had no idea what to expect from writing about mental illness, but a year later I know it’s helped me enormously without even trying. I have never set out to help others but have done so accidentally, and perhaps you will do the same.

    Well done on your honesty; the more people who speak out about mental illness, the more can be done to smash the stigma. I wish you all the luck in the world.

    • i thank you so much for reading.
      the blog has already done exactly what you have said. when i first started i had the hope that it might, but didn’t expect much. the responses i received were wonderful, and positive and i realize that i do have the ability to help educate some on just how bad it can be.
      i may never get better, but i can hope that others are able to.

      thank you again for taking the time to comment. i really do appreciate it.
      take care.


  18. I’ve been dealing with depressive disorder for almost two years ever since my spouse Tom died, and one of the ways I’ve tried to recover is by learning as much about depression as I can. I’m presently leading a discussion group for women who are suffering depression, and I came across your posting while hunting for materials to discuss in this thursday’s meeting. I don’t know how it works for other people, but for me, understanding is empowering, and the more I understand the nearer I get to feeling normal again.

    • hey there, sorry for the late reply. thanks for checking out the blog, and i hope it can help you understand things a bit better. i’m similar in that the more i read about it, the more i begin to understand the illness and it’s symptoms better. if i can help in any other way, or if you’d like me to discuss any specific topic that i have yet to cover, please let me know.
      my best wishes for you. take care.

  19. Congratulations to you! I have awarded you with the Readers Appreciation Award! You can collect and pass it on here: http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/readers-appreciation-award/

  20. Sean! Congratulations! I have awarded you with the One Lovely Blog Award. You can collect it here: http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2012/06/11/one-lovely-blog-award/

  21. I enjoy your blog, here is a special nomination for you. Check it out.


  22. oh wow, thank you both so much. i will indeed check them out when i get a few more minutes. until then, really, i am very very flattered. 🙂

  23. I don’t know if you do these award things but I have nominated you for the beautiful blogger award http://mm172001.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/beautiful-blogger-award/
    If not at least it is some add publicity. I nominated both your blogs, I love reading them.

  24. I want to present you with the ‘Strong Person’ award you can read the details here – http://showard76.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/strong-person-award/

  25. Pleasure to meet you, Sean. 🙂 Much like you, I’ve been locked away (many times) and given many diagnoses and a shocking array of medications. I got tired of being ‘the patient’ and told who and how to be. I turned things around through art/photography and college (Behavioral Sciences and Substance Abuse). I’m no longer ‘the patient’. Anyway, we speak the same language and although I don’t get around much blog-wise, please feel free to hit me up if you ever want to chat, etc. I want to encourage you- it really does get better. Know that you’re valuable, especially to others! We all have a purpose, and remember always- ugly is beautiful. 😉 Shine on.

    • hi there. thanks for stopping in and for taking the time to comment. i’ve spent the last fifteen minutes on your blog checking it out, and i absolutely love your photography. very very well done.
      i look forward to reading more soon.
      i will definitely take you up on your offer if i need to. what would be the best way to contact you? blog? email? let me know.
      thank you again, and take care. 🙂

  26. Depression has been a lifetime struggle for me. Good luck. I hope your treatment helps.

  27. Thank you so much for your bravery and honesty in sharing your dark nights of the soul with others. The fact that you reach out to help others says so much about you as a person. What are loving spirit you have, please remember you are never alone. There are many people who walk the same path as you every day. I have suffered with depression and know how heartbreaking that can be but like you choose to use that experience to help and reach out to others.

    • i appreciate you reading. thank you so much.
      yes, my only intention here is just to educate people. however they choose to take that is up to them, but i would hate to think that i wasted the opportunity to help anybody.
      i’m going to check your blog out. 🙂

  28. Man,
    You made my day. I am impressed by your courage and your willingness to say fuck it to them all. Keep up the inspirational work my friend. I hear you and am right there with you.
    Take care Avenue Man!

    • thanks a lot, man! i appreciate you reading and the support. it’s going to take so many of us to help educate and show people what they might not usually see – just how bad it can be and how hard we have to fight. just glad to be doing my part. take care.

  29. Hi, talking and writing it all out is great therapy. My son has schizophrenia. I took part in support groups and now I’m active together with other parents in organizing events to fight stigma and increase general knowledge and awareness. Take care and keep writing!

  30. 🙂

  31. Thank you so much for your voice on the blogosphere. Your honesty means a lot to many people. Myself included. 🙂

  32. thank you for reading. i really appreciate the kind words.
    take care!

  33. I think what you’re doing is great, helping others become more aware of what it is like to struggle with mental illness, as well as finding a way to process what you’re going through! Blessings!

  34. hope it was okay to giggle at the (obviously unsuccessful)..keep your head up; i’m sure you’re touching all the lives u were created to touch 🙂

  35. Thank you so much for being open and honest about your illness. We are very similar as I read your list of disclaimer. Sending positive vibes your way Sean. – Phoenix

  36. First let me say that you are a very strong and brave person for sharing your life with the world. I do the same. I tell it like it is because if we don’t how can anyone really learn to understand what it is we truly go through. We cannot help having all these afflictions. Some days it gets so bad, we don’t think we can do it anymore. I’ve found that blogging about all my illnesses and other shit that stops me in my tracks, to be very therapeutic. I hope it does the same for you. It’s bittersweet. I hate for anyone else to have to feel “this” way, but at the same time, it’s nice to know that there are others out there that are experiencing the same things, or very similar issues and truly do understand. It looks like you have a lot of support right here. I wish you only the best on your journey. 🙂

    • i have read blogs by both types of people – those who choose to remain anonymous and those (like us) that don’t wish to hide. i started out by hiding but didn’t feel like i was able to accomplish what i wanted to.
      people like us have nothing to hide behind.
      i’ve read quite a few entries on your blog and i love it. i hope you keep going and i am glad you are finding it to be so therapeutic. i know in the three years i’ve been doing this that i have discovered so much about myself and the disease just from meeting other people and reading and learning. not once have i ever regretted starting this.
      you also look like you have a wonderful support system going on and i really appreciate you visiting me.
      take care. 🙂

  37. We don’t hide because we’re not ashamed of who we are and what we’re going through. We cannot help what has happened to us or what illnesses we may have. We’re here to educate and to inspire other’s. It’s hard for people to really understand how bad it really is because we don’t look sick. Just because a person isn’t in a wheel chair, using a walker, or obviously disfigured, doesn’t mean they aren’t sick. I’m glad our paths have crossed. I look forward to talking some more with you. Hang in there, you’re not alone. Take care.xxx 🙂

  38. Hi Sean. It’s so good to know that you are continuing to do what you do. I used to be “out” in an old blog I had, but am back in the mental health closet in my latest blog so that I can feel free to deal with some tricky issues. Some things, especially things like self-harm and sexual issues, carry more intense stigmas. Plus, I’m in a field where I frequently work with children and teens, and some of the issues I want to deal with would likely put an end to my career. Unfortunately, my circumstances make it a bad idea for me to go public with my tangle of disorders. I’m glad there are people like you who can bravely stand in the light.

    • hey there. i’m glad you are back, and public or not, the important thing is that you are writing and that you are getting it out and that people are reading. it’s going to get through to somebody and their hour or day will be a little more comfortable because of you.

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