alltheavenueslookugly

i’ve finished my final treatment for the week, and have a break until monday.

arrive at the nurses station around 7 a.m., check in, and wait to be assigned a room. once inside i change into a hospital gown and now is when my memories become fuzzy and dark and foreign –

i remember opening my eyes and being in the procedure room. the nurse sticks the i.v. into my hand and warns me again that the medicine is going to sting a little –

somebody tells a joke –

and when they put the oxygen mask on me that is the last thing i remember –

until i am waking up back in my room.

and they are asking me questions to make sure i know where i am.

the nurse hands me a bottle so i can roll over and pee in it. my friend is sitting beside me.

when i try and put together memories, it’s difficult. if somebody reminds me of something, sometimes i can remember it, but aside from that it is all blank up there. the nurses tell me that i did great. since i am not dead i guess i believe them.

sometimes i am worried about just how much of my memory is going to go. what will be important enough to stay? what will i miss when it is gone forever?

we leave the hospital, and i walk slow like a cripple. my thoughts don’t arrive in a single file – they all rush at me together – screaming and expecting something from me that i just don’t know how to give.

three treatments down and at least five more to go.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/23.

Posted in january15
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, electroshock therapy, mental illness, self hating, therapy