me and january 23. 2015 – ECT (test three)

i’ve finished my final treatment for the week, and have a break until monday.

arrive at the nurses station around 7 a.m., check in, and wait to be assigned a room. once inside i change into a hospital gown and now is when my memories become fuzzy and dark and foreign –

i remember opening my eyes and being in the procedure room. the nurse sticks the i.v. into my hand and warns me again that the medicine is going to sting a little –

somebody tells a joke –

and when they put the oxygen mask on me that is the last thing i remember –


until i am waking up back in my room.

and they are asking me questions to make sure i know where i am.

the nurse hands me a bottle so i can roll over and pee in it. my friend is sitting beside me.


when i try and put together memories, it’s difficult. if somebody reminds me of something, sometimes i can remember it, but aside from that it is all blank up there. the nurses tell me that i did great. since i am not dead i guess i believe them.


sometimes i am worried about just how much of my memory is going to go. what will be important enough to stay? what will i miss when it is gone forever?


we leave the hospital, and i walk slow like a cripple. my thoughts don’t arrive in a single file – they all rush at me together – screaming and expecting something from me that i just don’t know how to give.


three treatments down and at least five more to go.


~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/23.

2 Responses to “me and january 23. 2015 – ECT (test three)”

  1. Thanks for this eloquent description of ECT. It’s good to hear it from the front lines.

  2. Keep on going. You are so brave Sean. I am not bullsh*ting you. Seriously.

    I really think that the chances of getting long term memory problems is zilch. Short term, yes. But they are probably things you don’t want to remember like peeing in a bottle!

    You keep us updated xx

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