alltheavenueslookugly

memories seeping out from between my eyes and ears and today i visited my psychiatrist. he was wearing his smile as i walked down the hall and repeatedly bumped into the walls. when i reached his couch i felt like i never wanted to leave. he asked me how things are going, and i tried my best to remember how they had been. i told him that they took me down on my seroquel – from 500 mg per evening down to 300 mg.

good? uneventful? god isn’t here. you have so much enthusiasm – and my brain feels bruised.

i was in some sort of fog all day. i remember little bits of my day – the doctor, the rain and my soaking socks, the fear, the dum dum dum sean because if you don’t know me my sad shuffle could make me look drunk. and etc. we keep going- the world goes on around people like me and for some reason i guess i am okay with that.

it’s obviously too soon to tell if these treatments are doing anything except jump-fucking my brain and leaving me hanging from a bedroom wire. but i do know that my mind feels like it has been kicked around and it’s funny the little things that i can remember if i work really hard. i feel like i am regressing – not able to understand and appreciate some easy jokes, and i might be taking things way too personally. i really know and hate this shit.

i should know better.

i’m exhausted – things that happened yesterday might as well have happened last year.

i want to just crawl back into my bed, cover my head with my blanket and sleep until the next time i am due for a brain-shocking.

i’m barely aware of who i am or what i am doing sometimes.

you cannot sleep too much, sean.

and when i do my dreams sit ugly in a pile of rice and they stink in some unrecognizable way. there have been times today that i am was afraid i wouldn’t wake up – and then be stuck in this goddamn ugly forever.

i go for treatment three tomorrow. it’s my last treatment of the week, and then i am free until monday.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/22.

Posted in january15
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, electroshock therapy, isolation, medications, mental illness, nightmares, psychiatrist, self hating