alltheavenueslookugly

i couldn’t sleep at all last night – just racing thoughts and symphonies trapped deep inside my skull, my fingers full of spasms and cracking, my chest was covered in tomato crumbs and another month has just quickly melted behind me. i might be one day closer to horrible news or a breath i can take without hesitating at least three times in the middle of it.

in this wind i am able to think of you, to tell you how i realize how hard it must be to keep trying to carry me and there is only so far we can go before i become an unbearable burden to you – especially with no guarantee of my survival.

we can still try. you can take me to bed and let your tongue crawl down my throat until it dries up and we are awkwardly stuck like this forever, climaxing in unison and right now we have no idea how beautiful our songs will be with our skeletons fastened together from our foreheads to our shins.

i wish i was better like i have never known. for me. for you. for all of you.

i wish i could just accept my position and be okay with it and go on living without this constant itch that only grows worse by the hour.

i wish my smiles meant what they were supposed to.

i wish i could go five minutes without thinking how repulsive i must look inside these mirrors.

i wish i knew what that excitement of consistency felt like – even if it has to be bad. just let it be bad and let me go.

i wish this didn’t feel like the time during the roller coaster rides when the attendant begins to raise his eyebrows at me and starts to sound serious when he asks if i am sure i want/need to keep riding this ride.

1 p.m.

i’m stuck to these fucking cushions.

music: the beach boys – pet sounds.

my eyes are sore like i have unconsciously jammed my thumbs into them every few minutes.

and now i am just thinking more than i have to.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/06/01.

Posted in june14
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, hating self, insomnia, love, mental illness, self hating, sex