alltheavenueslookugly

sometimes my heart will stop like it is waiting for me to catch up and agree to a different arrangement.

it’s only in my dreams where i am beautiful and i cannot fuck up and i understand things – can make sense of all the different empty threats that i keep repeating to myself when i am in this place where everything isn’t fine and i’m nervous and i can close my eyes and still there can be tears

and see? i am wiping them on my pajamas and i hope this medicine kicks in soon and life stops for some hours –

i cannot take a night of insomnia where i am sitting on this hardwood floor playing the same two/three songs on repeat repeat wishing i had the fire to crawl over and switch them but can’t because i am busy biting at my hands and that one tiny spot on my lower lip –

where i am sitting on the bathroom floor cutting my hair off in ugly uneven handfuls until my scalp is bruised and howling and this will come back to haunt me at some point –

there is nothing okay about me.

this mirror will nod in agreement and maybe i don’t have to break it because it sadly acknowledges exactly what it is showing me.

there is no party here. this place isn’t wonderful. it doesn’t even smell that great. there are loaves of bread that have been snapped in two and piles of crumbs and glasses full of tap water and no candy bowl just a shelf full of pharmaceuticals with absolutely ridiculous expiration dates that are disappearing as i try and scratch them off – not bothering to even try and remove the tiny rolled up sticky papers beneath my fingernails – and wow. now. feel that pain in your stomach? this is also your fault.

it all belongs to me eventually.

you are staring at me and i am partly aroused and you take it in your hand and after moments i am seeing stars and my entire body is shaking and this is a different kind of death we have here –

you tell me it’s time to leave. and i can’t yet. and you swear you understand.

 

it’s dark in here. it’s always dark in here.

there is nothing beautiful behind these eyes, i swear

and if you ask me to show you

all you are going to see is bright red that comes from hemorrhage

yes, i warned you.

 

goddammit. the longer i am awake. these minutes.

i don’t know.

i just feel kind of shitty right now. i feel like i should apologize to everybody for something. i can find something if you’ll just let me.

good night

i am going to try

fuck it. whatever, right?

 

 

 

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/05/29.

Posted in may14
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, eating disorders, guilt, hating self, insomnia, medications, mental illness, posts about suicide, self hating, sleep