me and january 09. 2014

someday i will get so frustrated trying to explain to you what sincere sorrow feels like. at some point, this will all sound rehashed to you – something you have heard so many times before from some random fool who might not know how to explain this to you. part of hating ones self comes with this scratchy habit of shrinking away from every compliment or adoration and when somebody knows this part about you – when they do nothing but shoot you a wink from across the room and nod so nobody else notices – let them – but for me comes a huge wave of all of it. it’s all there. i feel like some body (some many bodies) cares – but it melts quickly and i am left back here where people try so hard to help me. it’s documented and charted and there will be record of everything you guys tell me – every last breath that seems so hard, yet you shoot it my way –

if this helps you guys – my blog will give you proof that you tried your best.

i hope everybody knows that when i tell them i appreciate their thoughts, their words, their advice, or their electronic hugs and kisses – that i really take them for what they are. and it makes me feel warm. and i love them all. and i don’t want them to stop. but

i just beg you guys…when it becomes too much, just find somebody to help you. please.

i feel like one of those side show performers that warns the children not to try this at home – i know what i am doing – been doing this for years – and i slit my throat and there appears a red melting smile and they stare at each other because for some goddamn reason they don’t think this is normal.

you guys know me well enough to know i would never off myself in front of a group of kids.

but we can all go. we can all go when it is our time.

for fuck’s sake. i am not doing this.

i have no suicide plans right now, so don’t worry.

but it’s always just good to be reminded.


tell those fucking lunatics that you love them.

this. this is why i hurt and this is how far i am okay going.

when you start on your 3+ suicide attempt, it becomes like shopping at some bullshit discount mall.

to me, there is no god or jesus or allah or nine-footed lovable unicorn/bigfoot/moose creature that holds this in their hands.

when i die, i am done. shit, please. just let me be done. if you all believe in a hell, please believe that i have been there. for so many years. it is horrible. you don’t have to burn literally. the psychosis is bad enough. living – and walking in the living becomes worse than any hell that even the worst shit in the imagination could begin to conjure up.

people of jesus. i am so happy for you to have found something to believe in. i am a firm believer that if you believe in ‘something that helps you but doesn’t hurt others…’ than fucking go for it. i’ve had friends scurry away from recovery because they could not handle the religious aspect of recovery. it’s okay, guys.

i fucking envy those weirdos. i really do. because they still have faith. it’s still there. i don’t want faith. i don’t want to try and believe in something that i feel doesn’t exist. and if he does exist and has to  let me fight my way through the worst goddamn pain anybody can even become to try and understand. there is no god for people like me. don’t argue with me. please. don’t try and tell me that he is coming, or that he is there.

no. bullshit. he has never been and he won’t be here.

and if i die with my hands folding across my chest and i have a wonderful soundtrack to help me limp out of this world…

[oh, as i burn up.]

let me go. when i am ready. when i get there.

trust that i will be happier. i will be happy. i don’t know how that feels. but i trust that i will either feel that or feel nothing. either way,  i cannot lose.

please just trust me.

trust that any where that you could imagine would be better than the hell that i am forced to try and introduce into my heads on a day to day basis.


~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/01/09.

7 Responses to “me and january 09. 2014”

  1. I’m so sad for you. I really am. I’m sure that doesn’t help you. BUT it DOES mean that even though we only know each other over the internet, I care for you so much and it would shatter me if you would go through with it. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy and more….

    Hold on. I know you’ve probably heard that a thousand times… But from my heart, I mean it so much.

  2. I know. I feel the same thing and since I am dead already… when guilt is all that is keeping me alive, what happens when I start to drown in it? or I fuck up and it shatters into tiny pieces and before I can decide to clean it up and carry it around in a greasy paper sack or just walk away, I disappear. there is nothing left.
    now, whatever you might say to me, I am saying that to you, too.

  3. You are a talented writer, I have suffered from depression and other problems in various degrees my whole life but have never been able to quite convey the way I feel the way I would like. Maybe that’s why I have had stupid reactions from others, my favorite is that I should “just cheer up” also there is the “just keep busy” “try to think of something else” “count your blessings” “it could be worse”….are you kidding me? When I get this crap I usually have a silent mantra in my mind of shut up or go away, and they eventually do. I wish you and I could really talk, what the hell it wouldn’t hurt and in some ways would be a release to be able to connect, I don’t have any really good reason for saying that but then again I am crazy LOL I have to reiterate what so many have already told you, stay, just a little bit longer….it’s a selfish request I know but you do touch hearts and minds with what you have to say. Thank you for that. XOXO

    • thank you, patti. you understand very well what i am saying. i’ve had all those stupid bits of advice thrown at me in my life. most of the time they come from the people who are closest to me – which makes them hurt even more. any time you want to talk, shoot me an email. 🙂

  4. Aww, did somebody write something really retarded to you? (That’s right, folks, I said “retarded”!)

    Dang it, man. I swear, people can be so frikking stupid. They come to a place where they KNOW it’s going to rain shrapnel, and then because they can’t save you, they get pissed off and attack you for being REAL.

    I don’t even have to read what they wrote to know the angle by your response. It’s not like you’re a noob, right?! Heheh.

    Hope all is well- as well as can be! I get the same goofy crap, by the way. People look at me (in person) or read my serious posts and they’re like, “Aww. Smile! Cheer up!” (etc.)

    I’m thinking of you. x

  5. thank you thank you. 🙂

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