me and march 18. 2015

i feel like i’ve been gone forever.

it’s been hard to write for the past few weeks – mostly because i haven’t even been able to tell just how i felt.

but it’s not been great.

i feel like i’m still having side effects from the ECT – ones that my new therapist has told me i need to talk to my psychiatrist about. it’s like my brain just shuts off for a moment – blacking out while wide awake – and it takes me some time to get myself together. i’ve been trying not to isolate myself as much, and there are nights that the idea of me just being here scares me.

last week i started an intensive outpatient program that was recommended to me by the doctor who did my treatments. it is 2 1/2 hours a day, four days a week and it relies heavily on DBT. it’s my first experience with DBT, so i am learning skills that will hopefully make my life a little easier. the lady who runs the group is also my new therapist, and i see her once a week for individual sessions.

i keep getting told that things are going to get better. my memory is going to get better. the brain zaps and the shut-downs will get better.

maybe so. but it doesn’t help make me feel any better right now.

there are some days that i think maybe doing ECT was just the worst fucking mistake.

maybe it’s too soon to tell, and i just need to swim through this shit. i don’t know.

but i’m still here.

taking depression breath after breath after breath.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/03/18.

5 Responses to “me and march 18. 2015”

  1. Glad to read your post. I am hoping for better for you. Hang in there.

  2. Please don’t let yourself believe ECT was a mistake – you are only now doing the work that will hopefully help you. that old brain wouldn’t have known where to begin.
    Be nice to Sean. Eat lots of vegetables. 💖🐰

  3. Well, you’ve taught me something new: DBT, and I’m a psych. student! 😉 How are you, buddy? So glad to see that you’re still here and kicking. I’m sorry that everything’s black still. You’re one hell of a fighter though- consider that- and give yourself some credit, kid. Things have been particularly black in my life for almost two months daily- split up with my guy of 8 years- 8 years! What a vacuous black hole. Save me a seat, eh? Heh…yeah. The nothingness is far worse than the painful somethingness. (The nothingness is worse than any fight we had.) Anywho, I’m glad to see that you’re still putting in the legwork with therapy, etc. Hang in there. As always. x

  4. Just happy to see you here.

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