me and february 19. 2015

it’s 11:00 p.m.

i’ve opened my eyes and my mouth, and now here come the tears. i’m leaving them in puddles to sit and stain my pillow or i’m packing them into envelopes – addressed and ready to be sent to the sky – because i have nothing else to do in this dream when i’m not sketching out my nightmares or stamping out my smiles with cigarettes –

sometimes i try to convince myself that there is something special about being lost in every single way and i’m coming or crawling imagining how the confusion is going to outlive my ghost and how these words will still be here

i just want to keep collecting my passions and piecing them together until they look familiar and pretty.

someday i’ll tell myself i’m sorry and adopt a new hobby.

is everything different now?

i know this depression is a menace that will never forget me.

i’m not too worried but i can’t just watch myself every hour of every day.

in a fantasy i am holding my new brain in my hands, trying to get these tiny little bandages to stick, and when nobody is looking i am giving it tiny little kisses.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/02/19.

Posted in february15
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, cigarettes, crying, depression, dreams, electroshock therapy, guilt, happiness, hating self, isolation, mental illness, nightmares, self harm, sleep

5 Responses to “me and february 19. 2015”

❤ the last paragraph.

Ashley said this on 2015/02/20 at 12:26 am | Reply
- ❤
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2015/02/20 at 12:49 pm | Reply
Despite your depression, which I truly wouldn’t wish on anybody, your writing is still lovely and resonates lots with my thoughts and experiences. I’m really glad you wrote it.

blahpolar said this on 2015/02/20 at 12:39 am | Reply
- thank you so much. i’m glad you can relate. i know it helps at least just a little. take care.
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2015/02/20 at 12:50 pm | Reply
hold on tightly to that slippery new brain and give it a kiss for me 💕
feel everything, write what you can, try to treat new you as sweetly and generously as you have always treated everyone else. forgive yourself, let yourself rest a while.
you deserve the very best, no matter how difficult it is to accept or work toward. it will take time to get there, but I promise you are closer than you think.

I love you more than the largest slice of tres leches in Texas and a dozen $6 bars of 87% dark chocolate on the same plate.

damn. now I’m hungry – thanks a lot 😜

j.j.j. said this on 2015/02/21 at 12:04 pm | Reply

alltheavenueslookugly