me and february 12. 2015 – one week after ECT

so i had my eighth and last treatment last wednesday.

it’s hard to talk about. i wanted to wait to update this blog until i gave myself a good few days to recover (?) and most of my memory from the past few weeks is either completely gone, or really muddled. i saw my psychiatrist on tuesday and he has assured me that it will come back. i don’t know if that means i am going to suddenly remember everything i went through, or if it means my brain is just going to get better at holding new memories.

but there are other things.

i feel different. i can’t say that i feel better – at least not right now – because right now i still feel strange. i feel like i don’t know myself – like i am unrecognizable. doing simple things, like taking a shower or even having a conversation with somebody feels like something i just learned how to do and it still feels new and weird. i haven’t been sleeping much, and when i do the dreams are so intense.

i haven’t been able to get myself to do much since last week.

i’ve had people telling me that i look different – better – and maybe i do. i can’t tell.

the ECT doctor wants me to get into an intensive outpatient program at one of the psych hospitals nearby, but i need to contact my insurance company to see if they will cover it. i know it’s a good idea, but right now the idea of being around other people scares me.

the two doctors – my psychiatrist and the ECT doctor – have messed so hard with my medications. now i am only taking 300 mg of wellbutrin in the morning, 1 mg of ativan twice a day for the bad anxiety i have been having, and 5 mg of saphris at night to help me sleep.

it’s just been so intense. most of the day i feel like crying, or i get really scared.

i know things are going to get better.

but for right now, it fucking sucks.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/02/12.

14 Responses to “me and february 12. 2015 – one week after ECT”

  1. Yeah hang in there boss – ECT is a bitch. Strangely enough I didn’t feel better as I didn’t feel much of anything prior to starting the ECT treatments. I did primarily notice a change in sleep habits, appetite and the overall energy and finally productivity – i.e. ability to complete previously difficult tasks.

    • thanks, man. i’m anxious to see what changes are coming – good or bad. i just hope some good comes out of this.

      • Certainly I understand – you will come out the other end, as it is mostly a matter of adjusting the current and time for your brain to recover from the shocks – that is the heart of the matter. You must realize it is essentially rebooting the operating system of YOU which is kinda a big deal ha. The treatment has a wonderful efficacy rating and decades of studies so all will turn out well in the end my friend, just try to take it easy and be patient.

  2. Just continue hoping things get better for you, Sean

  3. Good for you. I only made it through 4 treatments, but I know what you mean when you say you feel different. Even with my small number of treatments it took about two weeks to start feeling somewhat normal again and probably an entire month to feel like ‘me.’ I am 7 months out of it and occasionally forget names of furniture styles (im a designer) or the manufacturer I need to call on, the name of a band playing on the radio, etc. Most people don’t notice it, but it drives me nuts. I usually just say, “I’m sorry I can’t recall that right now, but the second it comes to me I will let you know.”

    I have nothing but positive thoughts and high hopes for you. Good luck!

    • thank you!
      yeah, each day gets a little more familiar – i just need to keep being patient. i’ve always had memory problems so feel like i’m never going to be completely okay when it comes to that, but as long as it gets back to where it was, i’ll be fine. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Just wishing and hoping great things are going to come for you Sean. Hang in there as you always have – it will have been worth it. – Helen

  5. I am glad to read this… There are positives there that I hope will be present with you moving forwards.
    If you ask me… ECT and Wellbutrin together is one hell of a cocktail in a good way! I am on 450mg of Wellbutrin.. That’s like the craziest highest dosage that I had to get special permission to take because here, the food and health government blah blah say 300mg is the rule… But my psych got some ‘off label’ use and moved it from 300mg to 450mg. The Wellbutrin has some power in it!

    You are bound to be feeling strange after the ECTs you’ve done in sequence like this, but this is the best way to do it and I am seriously so proud of you that you did it each and every time and braved it out and just did it!! Think of it like meds too.. they are creating new connections in your brain, so that is even new for your brain and can affect you in some way as far as it goes as feeling peculiar. They are breaking old connections too. I am sure that you will return to ‘yourself’ soon. I know that feeling weird is obviously not very nice… but when you back in to the swing of things and carry on staying strong and being in touch with your caregivers, you’ll be OK…
    I sincerely hope that you will feel that betterness that people say you look like. We never expect miracles but this could have seriously helped you and according to what you have said until now… It sounds like it has done something! You’ve definitely had changes occur… now try stay calm and don’t fight it if you are feeling better because change is difficult.

    So proud of you xx

    • you have no idea how much i needed to hear this today. really. especially from you โ€“ i know you know how rough this is.

      thank you so much. i hope you are doing okay. i spent about a year on 450 mg of wellbutrin, but my doctor took me down to 300 mg because he was worried it was making me too anxious. i think after the ECT though i am going to ask him to take me back to 450.

      it helps a lot to be reminded that this part isnโ€™t going to last forever.

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