me and january 25. 2015 – ECT (test four – tomorrow)

i didn’t sleep well last night, and the dreams that i did have were obscene and uncomfortable. i woke up often, and it’s now 8:30 a.m. and i have given up on trying to sleep.

something in my brain feels different – i can’t say good or bad – but i have this feeling of disconnection from everybody else. last night i got very depressed because i just feel ‘off.’  i’m almost half way done with these treatments, and i catch myself ridiculously close to crying at times for no good reason whatsoever.

thankfully i was warned about the possibility of having amnesia – both retrograde and anterograde. without j here, i feel like most of my memories would just be shattered on the ground like glass – a mosaic of ugly colors and unrecognizable scenes of my life over the past week. i find myself asking and asking again if certain things actually happened, and she has been incredibly patient with me.

i keep rereading stories about ECT has changed people’s lives for the better, and it gives me hope.

i really need that hope right now.

maybe more later.




~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/25.

5 Responses to “me and january 25. 2015 – ECT (test four – tomorrow)”

  1. Hope! Hang onto hope! I am hoping for you!

  2. You know what? Even though the ECT didn’t work for me… I wanted to say that I still had those weird feelings in my head. Almost like pieces of my brain were moved in to other areas and somehow just felt weird and unpleasant. Like a bit wobbly unbalanced. Difficult to explain but I guess really that is what the ECT does, gives your brain a little move about!!
    It’s OK, really

    • that’s exactly the feeling – it’s as if my brain has shifted and i just feel wobbly and unstable. i just feel exhausted and the world seems larger. it really helps to have somebody that understands.

      • Yea. It’s that. I have it even right now because they boosted my anti-depressant up. It’s obviously because the ECT and meds (esp when adding high dosage) both doing the same stuff to out brains. Breaking connections, making new connections, making them connect in different ways. Rather weird this whole business!! I think they’ve got a long way to go in research and finding other treatments etc (obviously).

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