me and january 24. 2015 – ECT (test three – the next day)

waking up cold this morning – and if i was able to dream they are hidden far back behind the rest of my life where they might stay forever.

i just don’t feel right. am i off? not balanced? i’m reaching for emotions and even those are hard to grasp.

i feel like i have been asleep for the past week – and even if i am able to remember something i don’t know if i have an opinion one way or the other. have i shocked myself numb?

i know it’s still early – only three treatments down – but today has been the first day i have felt like crying. it’s like life is moving past me and i miss everybody and there is that fear that one of these days i am going to come out of the anesthesia and not remember a thing. it sounds silly, i know. but it’s there.

i’m sitting on my bed, writing this – writing what i can remember and how i feel about it all and i’m scared.

i know one of us has to win.

it’s either going to be me, or it’s going to be the depression.

after twenty years there just doesn’t feel like there is room in here for both of us.

i hope i can win.

i hope this gets easier. i want nothing more than to cover myself in blankets and cry.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/24.

17 Responses to “me and january 24. 2015 – ECT (test three – the next day)”

  1. I have experience ECT myself and the duration of the procedures kinda suck but hang in there. Things can get a little wacky during the process since your brain is literally recouping from electrical shocks! Just try to chillax and breathe while your brain essentially rearranges itself.

    I had a great outcome, but the process was draining to say the least. I hope you have a positive result and please keep me updated!

    Take care of yourself!

    -Paul

    • thanks man. you are exactly right. i just feel like my brain is being quietly kicked around, and i am trying my hardest not to let it worry me.
      i’m really glad to hear you had a positive result – it really really helps to hear that.

      • yeah its a scary thing to go into, especially cuz I don’t think a boatload of people get it done these days with the number of drugs on the market. however, it is the most successful treatment so that is what made me give it a go. plus, it generates an outcome much quicker than a drug would. also, the duration, type and level of treatment can be adjusted to serve the needs of the patient best.

        -Paul

  2. i loved reading this so much because i can relate

  3. The depression may somewhat there, but it will be chained to a post!

    Carry on and generally try to keep a balanced view.

    Good luck. X

  4. Like the first person to comment, I had ECT in 2003. I agree with what he said- the process sucks but in the end it’s hopefully worth it. It was for me. Hang in there…

    • thank you, i’m really glad to hear that it helped you. i have been hearing stories both positive and negative, and the positive ones are helping me stay afloat. i’m sure you remember how frustrating it can be. take care. 🙂

  5. This experience sounds scary and disorientating. I can only empathise. I have never had ECT but have held curiosity about it for some time now. I am so in awe of your courage to try it and furthermore your candor in sharing the experience for others who want to know how it truly feels and what effects it may have.
    You are being so strong in the face of something so foreign and frightening. I hope it does get easier for you in the coming days/weeks.
    Aimee xx

    • thank you. 🙂
      i really just want to put an honest account of it out there, and if it can help somebody – either way – than i feel like i’ve made some sort of difference. if you do have any questions, feel free to email me.

  6. You CAN WIN! Hang in!

  7. I sincerely hope for all better things for you and everyone.
    Keep on going!

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