me and january 21. 2005 – ECT (test two)
day two and now the memories are vanishing so quickly that i feel like if i don’t document them as soon as i can they will be lost forever – most things i can only remember quiet scenes from after i am reminded that they happened – and unfortunately they come and go way too quickly.
just small certain events from last night:
we ordered pizza and watched the devil and daniel johnston.
at some point i must have gone to sleep – breathing hard and my heart racing. dreams? maybe. but i don’t remember waking up or showering or getting in the car to leave –
and that’s it. that’s all that i can remember – and aside from a few scattered recollections of waking up in various places (i.e. hospital waiting room, in hospital bed, slow beep beep beeps from the machines around me – the next thing i know i am awake in my hospital bed. i was dehydrated – but no ice chips this time (at least that i can remember.)
it’s so bizarre to lose such large chunks of time, and i am in hospital gown – this time i don’t remember being taken into the room – and i woke up with the pleasant nurse beside me.
i was drinking apple juice –
since i woke up i have been trying my best to connect memories – any of them, a little at a time. it’s so hard, and i am having to force myself not to try so hard because it’s just going to hurt me/drive me fucking crazy.
so far no real change – tho i’m sure it’s far too early to tell.
losing the memories – this feeling of almost not existing in these spaces that i don’t remember…that’s the hard part. i’m curious to see what might come back and what might be lost forever.
without j, there would be no way i could do this.
sometimes when i close my eyes i imagine what this is doing to my brain – frying, massaging, kicking it in the fucking face until it’s had no more –
my brain doctor reduced my seroquel from 500 mg to 300 mg – hopefully will reduce my grogginess and weight and shitty food cravings – fucking useless drug.
day off tomorrow – see my psychiatrist.
alltheavenueslookugly 
Try not to try too hard. You’re breathing and that is enough. As are you.
It’s hard to lose the memories, but hopefully it will eventually be worth it. It’s too early to know if you are benefiting, just hang in there and hopefully it will be worth it in the end. I credit ECT and a great treatment team with saving my life…
Hang in there. Thinking about you, hoping for the best.