me and january 11. 2015

so, tomorrow morning i go into the hospital for a series of tests: blood work, xrays, ekg, etc. and i am going to start my ECT treatments on january 19th.

and i feel like i’m barely going to make it.

i’ve been feeling beyond horrible lately – i’ve been sleeping so much, and when i’ve been awake all i have done is sit here and wish i were asleep. i can’t even pretend like i know how much the depression weighs right now, but i’m in this tiny shitty little hole where i am silently screaming and constantly on the verge of tears. i have dreams of cutting myself so that i can watch ghosts squirm out from underneath my skin. my apartment is dark and cold – like a grave.

my medications have been raised and lowered and taken away and given back and my brain is yes no ouch love fuck sigh i’ve gone crazy myself and every new moment is a new opportunity for doom and i’m hungry but no eating or binge and then hate and i could just freeze and die here like somebody might find me years from now mostly intact with a frown ironed onto my face –

even today, i sit here and wonder what i should do. i want to do something. i want to get off of my couch. i want to take a shower. if somebody were watching me i would want to appear alive.

and i just can’t. as much as i want to. as much as i know it would make me feel just a little bit better.

it’s strange, with each new year i think about myself and the illness and swear that i can’t make it another year like this. i’ve been saying the same thing for years, and i wonder when that’s finally going to happen.

if these treatments don’t do anything i have no clue what i am going to do.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/11.

8 Responses to “me and january 11. 2015”

  1. So sorry you are feeling so bad. If you have been reading our blog, you know that it is a true story of my former client, Robin, who had ECTs. I truly believe they saved her life. I hope your experience with them is as successful as Robin’s. Wishing you the best.

  2. Good luck! I backed out of ECT after only 4 treatments for my own personal reasons, but I can say I feel a difference even 7 months later. I can sense my slight mood changes better, lift my depression more easily, and feel much less impulsive.

    Someday I may go back for more.

    I wish you the best and hope it’s right for you!

    • thank you. having read many different people’s experiences with ECT, i hope that mine is a good one. i’m glad to hear that you at least got a little bit of a good change.
      take care. 🙂

  3. Hang in there. As much as I know it’s not that simple.
    Try to think of all the years you have been suffering and the short wait you have now for the ECT… It really does help a lot of people. More of a majority and less of a minority.
    I also have seen several people do ECT and it turned their lives around too.

    Try to not think about it not helping or helping. Probably best to try keep a balanced view on it… Know how difficult that is too but you don’t want to be stressed before you even start.

    I wish you only the best and I am thinking of you.

    • yeah, it seems like the closer it gets, the harder it gets to hold on. my psychiatrist is very very hopeful, and i am trying to go in there with some hope – but not too much. i’ve been let down many times before.
      you’re right. it’s been years. just need to hang in there a few more days.
      i’m always sending the best thoughts your way.

      • Thank you Sean…
        My thoughts are always with you
        You ARE brave and STRONG.

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