alltheavenueslookugly

i’ve just been upside down, watching the wires cut into my wrists and waiting for the rain to stop.

it’s cold

– you have no idea how cold –

and when my eyes are closed i can’t tell just how many groups of tears i might be choking on – this comes easy during the day horrors and the nightmares and when my fists are freezing while i bite them and those quiet little noises kind of leap out of my mouth  –

and then i am downstairs watching three cigarettes race to be the first to burn out.

and then more medicine, you fucking sexy machine.

and everybody keeps telling me to hang in there. just hang in there. just hang in there.

but fuck it just isn’t easy.

it’s like hanging from the ledge of a building.

with

my

teeth.

and it’s been months now.

see?

and then i can’t help but think about these strange little tunnels around that i still haven’t crawled through. i’m sure they don’t offer anything good for me, but my curiosity is tickled and sometimes i am sick of hanging in there and maybe i’ll make my way through one and come out the other side having lost an eating disorder and picked up a seriously unhealthy addiction to juggling. one tunnel might lead me into a dark room where i end up making love to a giant log full of fire ants. another tunnel and i might have rats chew my tattoos off. or maybe i’ll crawl through one and be pushed out of the other side half-cremated with a broken skeleton that even my psychiatrist wouldn’t recognize. there’s just so many and i’m just some funny fucked up creature and i’m becoming more irrelevant with every breath i take.

but things are getting old. and something is going to change. this week.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2015/01/05.

Posted in january15
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, dreams, eating disorders, hating self, isolation, medications, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, psychiatric hospital, self harm