me and december 27. 2014

what’s wrong with you, sean?

anxiety attack @ 3:00 a.m. on december 26, drive home and barely remember getting home and finally fall asleep around 6 a.m. – fall asleep and sleep all through the day and afternoon. battle nightmares and wish desperately that you could wake and crawl out of this horror. maybe it is the disruption of the medications, the weaning and such that is keeping you asleep for so many hours, be awake for a little bit – you’ve worried people and it hurts you, try and text people and let them know you are okay and your eyes are more than heavy but the last thing you want to do is fall back asleep, so of course you fall back asleep and you are once again in a wonderland of bad dreams where sometimes the electrodes they put on the sides of your head are shooting saliva and piss all over you and then you don’t wake up again until saturday morning around 7:30 a.m.

still tired –

and i still feel shaken and confused.

i’ve been crying. if i knew i wouldn’t dream i would just go back to sleep and keep sleeping until my brain quieted down.

on my couch with my knees against my chest and i am begging it all to stop.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/27.

Posted in december14
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, dreams, electroshock therapy, hating self, insomnia, isolation, medications, mental illness, nightmares, self harm, sleep

7 Responses to “me and december 27. 2014”

Ugh panic/anxiety/freaky sleep are sooo shitty. Hot bath? Hot sweet drink?

blahpolar said this on 2014/12/27 at 11:27 am | Reply
- the hot bath sounds like a good idea. i really might try that. thank you.
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2014/12/27 at 11:30 am | Reply
  - Take care dude, come and natter here if you need chat distraction or something.
    
    blahpolar said this on 2014/12/27 at 11:31 am | Reply
    - i will. thank you again.
      
      alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2014/12/27 at 11:33 am | Reply
Thinking about you. Just get through this time and pray the ECT in the new year works!

Peggy klecka said this on 2014/12/27 at 1:43 pm | Reply
I’m sorry. Keep writing. Write and write and write until you just can’t anymore. Write whatever the hell you want..

jamilouise said this on 2014/12/27 at 6:20 pm | Reply
Sorry my friend. This stuff just sucks, it really does. Crying can be something that gives some relief. Doesnt make things better but stops us holding it inside. I seem to be doing the avoidance thing. Just no emotions and its not good because ive got to process and open up now.

On we go.
Stay strong x

savemefrombpd said this on 2014/12/28 at 6:32 am | Reply

alltheavenueslookugly