me and december 08. 2014
psychiatrist visit today.
he told me he was worried about me this weekend and happy to see me today. he said there is still no word yet from the ECT doctor but that his office would be calling them again and would call me as soon as they heard something. he wants me to increase the levomilnacipran up to 60 mg and when doing so i definitely need to decrease my wellbutrin down to 150 mg (unless my mood absolutely goes to shit) because he thinks it might be too much on my heart. he said if i’m still on the 300 mg of wellbutrin and my heart starts beating too fast or my blood pressure shoots up then to call him immediately.
i told him nothing has changed, nothing has gotten better. i did tell him that the .5 mg of klonopin he prescribed me is useless and i need at least 2-3 mg to notice anything. he said he would write a higher prescription, but once again made me swear to him that i won’t drink when i am taking it.
he reminded me that he is only going to write me my prescriptions for 10 days.
and then out of nowhere he asked me if i had a lot of old medication laying around. i told him i had a little bit. he said it would be a good idea if i got rid of it. i asked him what i should do with it. he said that some patients would bring it in to the office, and they could get rid of it. and then that a couple of patients had told him that i could even take it to the police station and they would dispose of it. he has no idea just how much i have, but there is no way in hell that i would dare walk into a police station with the amount of medications i really have.
it’s a lot.
he’s probably right. i really should get rid of them.
but for some reason it makes me feel safe knowing i have them.
then we went through the –
‘will you call me if you need to?’
‘yes.’
‘promise?’
‘yes.’
‘if for some reason you can’t get a hold of me right away you will call somebody, right?’
‘yes.’
i’m almost starting to feel guilty for how worried he seems.
maybe he sees something in my eyes that i don’t even know is there.
i told him i am going to be okay.
next appointment is next tuesday.
i don’t really have much else to say today.
alltheavenueslookugly 
get rid of the old meds.
i got rid of mine – you saw my gigantic collection from less than one year – flushed those and all the others down the toilet. they were always a comfort, and an easy way of documenting different periods of my wasted life – i’ve been saving everything for 20+ years now, but i swear it felt good to send them down the crapper. fuck the pharmaceutical snapshots because they mean less than nothing when the memories are gone.
plus, i ought to get some sort of use out of that damned contraption, since… well, you know.
the “just in case” kit might never be discarded and i think almost everyone can understand that, at least those of us who have one. but the rest is just excess – now is the time for simplicity. hopefully someday soon you won’t want them around anymore.
sending you all my ❤ (and <123)
Sounds like you have a really good psychiatrist 🙂
he is. i’m very lucky. 🙂
my psychologist has been very concerned about me in the last couple of weeks and has called me every few nights to see how I am feeling and what is going on.
Hey, like we were saying… meds and alcohol… dangerous.
But I’ve still done nothing. Now I am feeling weirdly calm for 24 hours or so. It’s all very confusing. It feels like I feel nothing but not really in a bad way, just a way where I am not thinking of my troubles and therefore I just had some crazy switch between being really suicidal and now totally calm.
I don’t understand all of this!!
Maybe you should get rid of those meds my friend. I have a months worth and it’s a lot of pills even but you have a big stash I know!!
i’m still debating – i know you and everyone else who is telling me to get rid of them is right. i know i need to. but it is hard. it’s years worth, and while i am sure most of them have expired themselves into nothing more than useless little powders…still…
I can see why you are debating… Can totally understand that. I’d probably be doing the same.
But I’d still like to see you get rid of them!
Good thoughts your way. Hang in there; it shouldn’t be that long. Hope to see you Thursday.
missed you tonight. 🙂