me and december 07. 2014

borderline personality disorder

m –

you’ll find me

alone busy sweating erect and i’m below the blankets scribbling out the last words of what we’ve been calling ‘dreams’ or just ‘blog notes’ like i have shared with you before –

swimming with tiny stones stuck in my ears or down on the floor cleaning the tiles w/my goddamn tongue or my eyes purple, beaten and left somewhere on some street corner. if we work together we might be able to pull me from the little hole that i have carved into this red brick building and then i’m almost certain i could be of some service – even if you just need somebody to give you words when you need them and i’ll work for free and i can survive on cigarettes, lucky charms and eyeball kisses, but i’m really simple and you might even be impressed

and i’ll feel so important until you have a bad day and for some reason i’ll assume it’s all my fault – eating my brain destroying everything good that i thought i had done and my heart would hurt like it was being fucking kicked hard and then you would pass by and smile at me and everything would be better instantly and holy shit i did nothing wrong and i just spent the last three hours beating the shit out of myself for nothing and i can breathe normal once more and i feel like i’m a human being again and not the ugly parts of a storefront mannequin stuck up in the window –

i am cracked though. that part stays. i’m scared i’ll fuck up again. i’m scared that you will hate me and now i have to work so hard to keep that from happening and it gets so exhausting that when i think about it i get sick and it makes me shake and i cannot sleep and when i do –

well, you’ve read my nightmares.

and i promise that i love you so much that i hope you won’t open that door when you see the sign that tells you ‘just call the police and please don’t come in here…’

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/07.

3 Responses to “me and december 07. 2014”

  1. 🚬,🎈🍀🌈🌙🌠⌛️💖, 👀💋

  2. You took the words right out of my fucked up brain!!! But you said it so much better than I ever could….

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