me and december 05. 2014

i’ve talked before about how one of the hardest parts of the disease to deal with is the loneliness.

you never realize how lonely you are until you are surrounded by people you love.

to have a mind tell you this – a mind you cannot argue with because you’ve been doing it for years and you never win.

when the world has turned off the lights around you – when everybody sleeps and you are just quietly roaming around your apartment, being careful not to make too much noise.

it makes the whole idea of dying alone a little more sad.

maybe.

and if/when it happens you can find me later –

and if you find it intact you can prop my skeleton up straight and keep busy cleaning the cracks in the skull and the ceiling and the floor around me have imaginary conversations about exactly what all the entries in these awful journals mean like when i trail off with a … did my brain stop working for the evening or did i pass out on my stomach after eating one too many sleeping pills after drinking one too many drinks because maybe i used to try and test life like that to see just how far i could push it because there are some nights you give way less of a fuck than others, and here i was – and had been for months

and covered in dust – inches thick that my hands were hidden and for a second you wondered if i had lost my knees.

you had more questions for me and you swirled cobwebs into pretty spirals and draped them over my head like if i had imaginary hair this would all seem less strange to you – and there were still spots where i had skin – old and brightly colored hanging loose and unloved

i left no dramatic notes like i did when i was younger – just those journals and maybe a screenplay about blue whales and corruption in a church led by a preacher with a cocaine problem.

and it wasn’t too late – for just a couple of hours you kept me company and i was loved and you left the music on when you left.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/05.

4 Responses to “me and december 05. 2014”

  1. Thinking about you, Sean. Hope the ECT comes through soon.

  2. (\(\
    ( -.-) •*💕•*•*~💕💕*•💖
    o_(“)(“)

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