alltheavenueslookugly

not enough sleep last night so i woke up on my back dehydrated confused for just a second and too far away from pen and paper to record the dream before it slipped out of my head to become just a series of silent film shots that made no sense to me anymore – i usually do keep the notebook next to me but it wasn’t there this morning.

i was anxious, half-naked, and thirsty but not wanting to get out of bed – i still had another hour before i had to get up to see my doctor but i was afraid if i went back to sleep i might get caught up in more episodes of nightmare sitcoms that would cause me to sleep through my alarm, so i just got out of bed.

my psychiatrist knows me too well and knew i was feeling awful. i told him i have just been getting worse and he says he is concerned that i will be able to make it until the ECT treatments. so he wants to move them up. originally we were going to try for them some time after the new year, but now he wants them done as soon as possible. i expect to hear from the ECT doctor’s office tomorrow so that we can start making a plan.

my psychiatrist also wants me to start coming in to see him more often. we went from one month between visits to two weeks between visits, and now he wants to see me every week until i start feeling better. i told him there have been no elevated moods, just down – the anxiety, the depression, it is just too much. last time he had prescribed me buspirone for my anxiety and i told him it didn’t do a fucking thing – so today he prescribed me clonazepam after making me promise i wouldn’t drink when i was taking it.

we are also trying a new antidepressant that is going to take the place of most of my wellbutrin. it is called levomilnacipran. as i go up in this medication i am supposed to reduce my wellbutrin down to 150-300 mg depending on how my mood tolerates it. i can’t imagine how my mood will do. i can’t picture or guess anything any more.

there are places far back hidden below the ugly folds of my brain where the suicide cells are active leaping some cause for a celebration and they are always there – always mid-party dragging themselves around by their tongues leaving their smelly breath stains behind them and i’ve told the doctor that i haven’t been cutting – no new marks on the body but it’s all i have wanted to do – slice myself like i’ve always done when the pressure inside got to be too much and it made me feel so much better to see it

right now i am a person sitting on a couch and i am seconds away from either crying or screaming or laughing

and i know i have just a few short hours before sleep where i get to be fucked sad and silly by scary dreams.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/04.

Posted in december14
Tags: alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, dreams, electroshock therapy, happiness, hating self, insomnia, isolation, medications, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, self harm, sleep