me and december 02. 2014

december two and i realize how tiny i am.

i understand that beneath my hoodie with the strings pulled tight and the hood suffocating my face and my tongue outstretched and pressed up cold against my cheek and maybe my eyelashes are not perfect and i begin to get claustrophobic that here is where i am scared and here is where i know nothing and i am terrified

because i could be vulnerable like if i were sitting alone in the middle of a lawn while people stared out at me from windows each with secrets about me – laughing because they were probably correct and i am embarrassed and wouldn’t begin to know how to defend myself –

is this why people take drugs?

is this why i wish i could cry to myself inside of my shirt until i began to drown? while they watch and while they shake their heads as if this was just something they had come to expect from me. i’ve just become a boring and predictable cunt and my road is already laid out before me. my head hurts so bad right now and i wish i knew what and where the end was.

i wish rocking chairs with wheels and downward hills and those last few minutes were cool air that dried out my eyeballs and blinded me for the great finish. lucky me and i’ve been given a front row seat so that they can shatter my ribs and strap me down to the doctor’s table –

i’ll also beg for a numb puppet death/soft string cut above high mountains to fly

and a small stuttered epitaph followed by a hearty laugh and a round of uncontrollable sneezes just to somehow lighten the mood.

but maybe this is carson city – and a payback for those years of grave-stomping and swallowing foul river water. so i will go like he did – rolling through tons of metal possibly impaled through the eyes and a smile so stretched out that when they finally found him it was hugging his ear lobes.

i’ll go out somehow like you – you beat me to it and there we go and i can hear your voices and it’s only the second day of december. wait your turn.


* i’ve also cleaned out the links to the right of my page. added some new, and deleted some (mostly ones that no longer worked.) if you would like your blog link up there, just shoot me a message. i’m sorry if i forgot anybody. 

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/02.

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