me and december 01. 2014

meet december –

i cannot put a price tag around your throat, but i can tell you that i’ve spent the day straining myself dealing with the disability lawyers and trying to get a hold of the ECT doctors and now through drug eyes i am looking at you, december, though squinting and each of my syllables are leaving on their own undisturbed cloud – and the clouds are my favorite colors when they pop and shower us all until i am forced back into my small little cave –

and here i am

it’s dark and gray and cold and it smells like winter and gasoline

i think, do i spend the hours cleaning my apartment – every last little inch, even the spots nobody (including myself) will ever see, or do i cut, every last little inch, even the spots nobody or everybody will ever see – the spots that will show up like they have been highlighted or are surrounded by neon signs w/enormous arrows or giant X’s like somehow they hold a goddamn treasure.

i’m beginning to think my left arm is growing just a couple of feet longer than my right one.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the future. if there is one for me. if i can hold out until the treatments, and then what happens after? say the treatments work, and i start to feel better. what is better?

i can’t ever remember a time in my life where i haven’t felt this. where i haven’t woken up sad, disappointed that i hadn’t passed away in my sleep, where i haven’t thought about suicide at least once or twice a day, where i have struggled, where i haven’t had to take 3 to 5 to 10 pills a day just to keep myself somewhat stable. where i am used to pretending that i am okay – or as much as i can. this is my life.

but this isn’t a life.

and i cannot imagine any other.

and then of course what if i have the treatments and absolutely nothing happens?

now i am just sean, with a little bit more of a rattled brain and an even shittier memory. if i come out worse, please, just smother me with a fucking pillow.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/01.

6 Responses to “me and december 01. 2014”

  1. …. just thinking of you…..

  2. easier said than done but try not to look too much in to the future… NOT because you haven’t got one, but because I hope you will have the ECTs and treatment coming up and it’s very successful for a lot of people.

    Hoping for you my friend. You are in my thoughts.

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