alltheavenueslookugly

meet december –

i cannot put a price tag around your throat, but i can tell you that i’ve spent the day straining myself dealing with the disability lawyers and trying to get a hold of the ECT doctors and now through drug eyes i am looking at you, december, though squinting and each of my syllables are leaving on their own undisturbed cloud – and the clouds are my favorite colors when they pop and shower us all until i am forced back into my small little cave –

and here i am

it’s dark and gray and cold and it smells like winter and gasoline

i think, do i spend the hours cleaning my apartment – every last little inch, even the spots nobody (including myself) will ever see, or do i cut, every last little inch, even the spots nobody or everybody will ever see – the spots that will show up like they have been highlighted or are surrounded by neon signs w/enormous arrows or giant X’s like somehow they hold a goddamn treasure.

i’m beginning to think my left arm is growing just a couple of feet longer than my right one.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the future. if there is one for me. if i can hold out until the treatments, and then what happens after? say the treatments work, and i start to feel better. what is better?

i can’t ever remember a time in my life where i haven’t felt this. where i haven’t woken up sad, disappointed that i hadn’t passed away in my sleep, where i haven’t thought about suicide at least once or twice a day, where i have struggled, where i haven’t had to take 3 to 5 to 10 pills a day just to keep myself somewhat stable. where i am used to pretending that i am okay – or as much as i can. this is my life.

but this isn’t a life.

and i cannot imagine any other.

and then of course what if i have the treatments and absolutely nothing happens?

now i am just sean, with a little bit more of a rattled brain and an even shittier memory. if i come out worse, please, just smother me with a fucking pillow.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/01.

Posted in december14
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, electroshock therapy, happiness, hating self, insomnia, medications, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, self harm, sleep