me and december 01. 2014 (part 3)
‘how are you feeling these last couple of weeks?”
‘up and down. more down that anything. you know me. you know my downs. you also know that my ups aren’t really ups as much as they are just ‘not quite as bad’ downs.’
*note taking*
‘what about the suicide thoughts? how have those been?’
‘i wake up every day and it is one of the first things i think about, in some capacity. sometimes i just think about it as an option. other times i think about it and begin to construct a plan in my head, a fool proof plan. one that i will not survive this time.’
‘you have…’ rustling through papers ‘…three attempts in the past ten years, right?’
‘yep’
‘all overdoses on medications.’
‘yep’
he sighs.
‘how are the medications doing for you? any ups and downs lately? let’s talk about those.’
‘ i don’t really have the ups. sometimes i have those shitty bipolar tendencies to spend money. it’s stupid. i buy shit that i don’t need.’ i told him, ‘honestly, the majority of my issues can be found on the borderline personality disorder wikipedia entry. it hurts. it’s sad. and it’s fucked, and it makes me not want to live any longer.
‘do you think we need to admit you into a hospital?”
i shook my head. ‘that will only make things infinity worse.’
‘can you hang in there until the treatments? can you keep from cutting yoursel? can you keep from overdosing until then?’
‘i’m going to try my hardest.’
‘you know to call me.’
‘ i know to call you.’
for now i will fantasize about excruciating pain microwave food and occasional masturbation. i’ll watch movies and live vicariously through my friends. i’ll get drunk enough that i forget for a few hours just how bad every part of my body hurts. maybe i’ll suffer through the next day with an awful hangover that will make everything work it.
someday i dream of a serious auto accident – take me quickly and hope i am smiling.
~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/12/01.
Posted in december14
Tags: alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, dreams, eating disorders, guilt, happiness, hating self, insomnia, isolation, love, medications, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, psychiatrist, self harm, sleep
alltheavenueslookugly 
My thoughts are with you ❤
thank you. ❤
I can relate
on one hand it’s great to have somebody to relate to, but on the other hand i’m sorry that you have to relate to it. you know?
For sure – I can say the same right backatcha. Thank fuck for the net and relating though 🙂
absolutely. oh, i also fixed your link on my blogroll. 😉
Ah the questions, the questions. I am preparing myself for my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I was seeing him once a week and now it seems once a fortnight… I see he is so frustrated with me even though I think he seems that I am trying my best. He even stopped actually asking the regular questions in the last month or so… I guess he expects the same answers and that pisses him off. I worry the meeting will go bad again and I’ll have to wait 2 weeks to see him again. EEh.
good luck with him.
i’ve had that with certain doctors. they get frustrated because things aren’t working and i think it’s that they get more frustrated with themselves because they don’t know what to do. but it’s not your fault. you can only do what you can, and it’s their job to try and find different approaches. people like you and me are such a challenge. maybe we should just take some pride in it, huh? 😉