me and november 25. 2014

i’ve stayed away lately. if i were a character in a book, how interested would i be in my situation right now?

how is your day?

morning – depressed/recover from nightmare(s)

afternoon – depressed/anxious/look between the window blinds (window dirty on the outside)

smoke cigarettes on the front porch – shiver in the wind

early evening – depressed/anxious/upset because maybe i ate too much today/another day i did nothing because i cannot do anything. is that even believable?

yes, depression can do all of this.

i tell my psychiatrist that every day becomes harder and harder. i am becoming that kind of shadow that doesn’t behave or speak back because he can’t find his way out of the corner – there are dust mites gnawing on my toes and i am just watching them like i am fascinated and i don’t even give a shit that soon i won’t be able to walk anymore –

soon they will find me in my apartment sitting on my coffee table hugging my knees and singing bird songs –

without my toes.

is it a real possibility that i’ll fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon and fall into a nightmare that i never wake up from? don’t laugh, now. this could totally happen. i could die in the middle of this dream and nobody will hear from me again.

maybe i’ll wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented and walking around downtown wearing just a necktie and a thousand scars because this is the night that my brain finally decided enough medication is enough medication and because it has no way of voiding it holds it’s breath and sends me stumbling into the dark. the police will find me mumbling like a damn lunatic and they’ll give me a ride to one of the psychiatric hospitals that i’ve already visited – and maybe i’ll even get my old room back.

or my eyes just shut. they just shut.

or heart just explodes. it just explodes.

he still wants to keep us on 2 weeks between visits – he does this when he knows i am not doing great and as i have explained before, this way he can write smaller prescriptions and limit the amount of medications i have in my apartment.

speaking of, here is the current medication list:

wellbutrin – 450 mg

trileptal – 1800 mg

topamax – 150 mg

buspirone – 30 mg

seroquel – 500 mg

doxepin – 20 mg

 

it’s okay.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/11/25.

6 Responses to “me and november 25. 2014”

  1. I know holidays are hard for some people: they usually are for me, so I wanted to take a minute before my hectic and busy day to say happy Thanksgiving! Hope you have some peace and light today. xo

    • thank you! i hope it wasn’t too bad for you. i spent mine mostly in solitary but did go visit my brother for a little while. it was quiet until i ended up at the bar. but it was nice. 🙂

      • Glad it was mostly ‘doable’ for you. I went with my guy to spend Thanksgiving with his family. On the way there (about 140 mile drive), I began to feel really queezy and nauseous. I was fresh out of Phenergan so we stopped and picked up some Dramamine, thinking it would help. It made me doubly pukey and so by the time we got to his family’s house, I was violently ill. I ended up barfing (twice) and then ate and did karaoke with the family. Ha. Nothing like being puky sick far from home, eh? (I spent the next two days hidden away in a spare bedroom with my laptop and an adventure game.) I really don’t like groups of people still. I’ve had better Thanksgivings!

        • yeah, i don’t do well with large groups of people for holidays, especially when it gets to be too noisy or too many people trying to make plans and give instructions over every body. fucking anxiety city. i’m sorry to hear you were so sick. i hope you are feeling better now!

  2. The daily cycle is so painful my friend, I know.
    We’ve got to somehow keep pushing on.

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