alltheavenueslookugly

if you could only understand the way october disguises it’s face like it could be beautiful and relaxed and that’s why i can never let my guard down around it –

i crawled through those last days – crawled through piles of red and yellow leaves that painted the ground in northern maryland far from the safety of my cold and shitty sour texas apartment

and i’m days past it but the dreams from october are still marching by – the awful dreams that force me to relive those times when my fucking heart hurt the worst and now they hug brand new confusions and together they are strange blends and they smell and are covered thick in mold and dirt and shit and cum and thirty other recognizable disasters –

sometimes depression is so tricky – throwing itself at me in ways i have never seen and would never expect it to act. and then there times when even a disease gets lazy and it makes no effort to surprise me –

but it rested up while i was gone and i am twelve years old again and every day is something new. each hour is unique and each thought is an unfamiliar reason to drag my head down a wall until everything goes SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(shutthefuckup)

and

QUIET.

very

very

fucking

quiet.

do you all know this quiet?

so, i’m still shivering like it’s october. like it hasn’t quite let me go yet.

but it will. i know it will.

any day now. it’s going to get tired of keeping it’s fingers around my neck and i’m going to stumble my way into november waving to you all.

for right now?

it’s 5 p.m. and i’m sober and full of imaginations that cannot walk any farther than my coffee table.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/11/06.

Posted in november 14
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, happiness, hating self, insomnia, isolation, medications, mental illness, nightmares, self harm