me and october 23. 2014

and i am waking early – too early – my blankets tied around my legs.

it is 4:00 a.m.

i’m exhausted for hours like i’ve drugged myself until i fall asleep again around 8:30 and i sleep for a few hours full of nightmares of course and i wake up sweating and still tired but i am too scared to go back to sleep so i stay awake and watch movies and even the funny ones can’t make me smile and i think i should get on here and write about how i am feeling but i cannot force myself to write – only to be on my couch and keep watching stupid fucking movies and to replay my dreams over and over occasionally wish i did street drugs so that i could get rid of this fucking feeling for a few hours.

it’s times like these when i feel the most vulnerable – and when i cannot shake it –

and then everything else just starts falling down around me.

i look at myself and can’t believe that i hadn’t noticed that i must have gained ten or fifteen pounds in the last few days. ugh. fuck. so i get up and take 50mg of topamax to make sure i don’t do something stupid like get hungry. and then i eat laxatives. and then i drink three big glasses of water.

then back to my couch.

i close my eyes and i am feeling terrible.

i am tired and scared and disgusted and not laughing at whatever movie is playing.

and it is only 5:00 p.m.

i haven’t been to my group in the last few weeks, and i want to go.

but i can’t. i am too embarrassed and grossed out with how i look. i don’t want to go anywhere, and i don’t want any body to see me.

i just close my eyes.

i keep the movie on as background noise.

i am afraid that if it gets too quiet i’m going to start hearing myself think – and i really don’t need that.

and now it is 9:14 p.m. and i feel relieved that i made it through the past few hours with myself. and i realize just how stupid that sounds.

now i have about 2-3 hours before i take my handful of evening pills and i will either fall asleep fast and get assaulted by my dreams or miss that window and wander around my apartment as the person who can’t sleep and isn’t easily entertained – and then there is tomorrow.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/10/23.

20 Responses to “me and october 23. 2014”

  1. I don’t know what to say, except: hugs . You deserve better than this.

  2. Liking to show my support. Again I actually know just what you mean, my insomnia and constant nightmares make a peaceful sleep seem like an unobtainable fantasy to me.
    I think you might be being too hard on yourself for your weight and appearance though. I know easier said by me than felt by you but remember you are fighting a hard battle and it is impossible to come out of it physically unscathed.
    Aimee x

    • oh, i’ve always known i am way too hard on myself when it comes to my appearance but i cannot stop that. that is just another issue that needs to be addressed and until that happens i will continue to beat myself up badly. unfortunately, i have been doing that ever since i can remember.

  3. I hope you can get back to the group you go to Sean. I can totally understand your reasons about not wanting to go back but I hope that you will be able to go back anyway because I am sure you could really do with the help right now especially. I understand the weight gain thing as I’ve been ravenous hungry for a couple of weeks and although I manage to resist a lot, I am still comfort eating and I know I’ve put on weight. I had someone actually yesterday with NO tact say to me that I am put on weight and is it the medications? I was just like ‘mmm’ and walked past and ignored the comment. Some people do really not have tact but she’s not my friend or someone I class as anything to me, so even though it bothered me, I got over it.

    You know when people are kind and your friend when they don’t judge you.

    • yes, it’s really hard. i know that i am my own worst critic and i am still almost 50 pounds less than i was last year – but i am so scared that i will get back there without realizing it so when i see myself slowly creeping up there i get really upset.
      i’m really afraid that i am going to get so disgusted that i refuse to go anywhere – to leave my apartment at all. i don’t need to do that again. but i feel like that could happen so easily.
      i’m glad i am catching it now when i’ve only gained about 10-12 pounds. i feel like i might be able to get rid of that fairly easily, and once i am back there i can hold that off. we’ll see how it goes.

  4. Man, I scared myself a few weeks ago. I ran out of my “medicine”- and it was like- 6 days without it. Guh. My mind turned against itself and I don’t think I have to explain one more thing! Not fun. Scary.

    I feel ya. x (I have more medicine, by the way. Sane again!)

  5. that place of subtle amusement and creative time wasting is just around the corner. it’s a tiny comfort, but when you get there it will feel almost as big as your days are now long. please remember to be kind to yourself when you can. maybe the best we can hope for is distraction — a glimpse of something shiny that isn’t just a piece of broken glass, writing a perfect sentence in your head, hearing a new song that makes you close your eyes and sway, singing along it, though it’s sad and poorly composed.
    I’m still saving my last dance for you, and might even let you pick the music for once. 😉

  6. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best on your journey. Stay strong. You CAN do this and you DO matter. Just remember that you are NOT alone.

  7. I haven’t been on too much since my brother died. I’m very tired tonight and feel like crap, but i will be back to read more of your blog. Stay strong. There’s nothing that you can’t do. It takes a lot of hard work, this I know, and I know it’s not easy. I struggle, as well. Take care. 🙂

    • i was sorry to read about your brother. really. i also have a brother and cannot imagine losing him. it sounds like you have had a lot of loss in your life, and being able to keep going through all of that takes a lot. i can tell your strength just from that.
      take care of yourself.

  8. I really don’t know how i’m still standing. The death of my brother has just about done me in. We were so close and I miss him so much, I can’t stand it. I am so very sad. I lost my dad when I was 8. He was killed by a drunk driver. I lost my brother’s only son when he was only 14, in a terrible car accident, and now my brother. Sigh…………….my brother passed away on Sept. 1, 2014 and on Sept. 30th of this year, I lost a friend I used to work with. He was only 32 with 2 young children. Don’t think I can take much more of this death crap. I have anxiety so bad now that I lay here at night and worry about whose it gonna be next. Many times I’ve thought about just giving up. Some days are better than others. It’s just never ending. Take care.

    • without trying to bombard you with useless cliches – all i can suggest is to lean on those that you still have. those that know and love you. take it one day at a time, and keep writing. i know my best stuff comes when i am at my worst. if you need to just talk and need somebody to listen, feel free to email me. i’m not really good at giving advice, but i can be an ear if you need it. 🙂

  9. Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. Is your email address on your blog? Talk to you soon. Going to take my drug cocktail now and hopefully, just hopefully, I will sleep tonight. It doesn’t always work. I suffer from insomnia many nights, more nights than not. Have a good night. 🙂

    • yes, my email is under the ‘contact me’ tab. i wish you luck sleeping this evening. i’ve taken my night time cocktail and also hope i’ll be falling asleep at some point. we’ll see. good luck to both of us then. you have a good night too.

      • Thank you, I got it and will add you to my contacts. I take it that your name is Sean? Good name, my oldest brother’s name is Sean. By the way, my name is Tammy aka Wild Flower. Hope you’re having a good day, my friend. 🙂

  10. Thank you and I’m having a “decent” day. 🙂

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