me and october 10. 2014 – my 200th post!

wow.

two hundred posts and i know just recently i made it to three years and most everything i would have wanted to say today i said then.

thank you guys for hanging in with me.

i’ve started to wonder what i should begin to do with this blog. it was suggested to me that i take what i have so far, turn it into a book and start afresh – why? i suppose people prefer their sadness on their bookshelf. but i have always said that as long as i have shit to say – whether it be important and informative (even to a small degree) i will keep writing – and goddammit i still do. of course, those reading will still have to suffer through those days when what i have to say comes out in some strange broken prose that makes sense in those ugly scarred corners of my brain and maybe makes just a little bit of sense here for you. i hope. i love you if it does.

i continue to make new friends, get beautiful supportive emails from people that i know and that i don’t know, and little short comments from people from all over the world that are suffering in their own brain prisons.

let’s hang in there together, all.

recently i’ve been living in my topamax world where occasionally my senses are attacked and i feel the holy shit real effects of what a drug can do. when i am sitting down i feel like my head could very easily detach, fly over at a curve and rest on my feet. i am constantly dropping things when my hands are empty. everything that i drink that isn’t water tastes funny, flat, and metallic.

can i lose this weight? because i will isolate myself if i need to. if it gets much worse i will buy more locks for my doors just to remind myself that until i’m done being punished i need to sit the fuck down and think about this for a minute. i’ll weigh myself, weigh myself and weigh myself. and just be disappointed. i’ll throw out all the food until there is nothing in here to eat except for garlic salt and halfway melted ice cubes.

but talk to me, sean. i am busy learning how to talk about these things that bothers me. while i learn how to be a better person, i have to learn to talk. i’ve never been good at talking about these things – i swallowed everything until i started this blog, and i think that this is what helped me. but i guess this can’t be the only thing forever.

earlier i thought about trying to write this post as a fake obituary. my curiosity is such a motherfucker and i’m glad i am better than it sometimes. nap dreamed earlier and thought when the skin around your eyes is red chapped from crying and your bare feet are freezing put lotion around your eyes and put a pink blanket over your feet and curl up on your couch and take a sleeping pill or upper whichever you prefer – sleep just for the hours you need to or fuck off for a while because it’s okay –

thanks again for the 200 guys.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/10/11.

8 Responses to “me and october 10. 2014 – my 200th post!”

  1. Sean, you don’t know me but I’ve been following your blog for a while now. Just wanted to say that I hope things will get better for you in the future. Hang in there and know that somebody from the Netherlands is rooting for you.

    • thank you very much for reading.
      i’ve actually been trying to follow your blog for awhile now but my computer would never translate. it finally did, so i am able to read yours. 🙂
      i can’t wait to read more. take care.

  2. I don’t even remember how I found you, but I’m so glad that I did. :o)

  3. Congrats on the 200th! Still enjoying reading from you and your unique style. And as always wishing you the best x

  4. Congratulations on staying so determined and focused for the past 200 posts! Every post, every day, every hour of moving forward is a success! I have only recently found your blog but truly believe that though you may still have struggle ahead, you have come so far and you can make it through your struggles!
    Aimee

    • hi, aimee. thank you for hanging out. yes, when i started, i never imagined i would make it to 200 – figured this blog would stop for one reason or another way before then. i really appreciate you reading and hope you stay around. 🙂

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