alltheavenueslookugly

wow.

two hundred posts and i know just recently i made it to three years and most everything i would have wanted to say today i said then.

thank you guys for hanging in with me.

i’ve started to wonder what i should begin to do with this blog. it was suggested to me that i take what i have so far, turn it into a book and start afresh – why? i suppose people prefer their sadness on their bookshelf. but i have always said that as long as i have shit to say – whether it be important and informative (even to a small degree) i will keep writing – and goddammit i still do. of course, those reading will still have to suffer through those days when what i have to say comes out in some strange broken prose that makes sense in those ugly scarred corners of my brain and maybe makes just a little bit of sense here for you. i hope. i love you if it does.

i continue to make new friends, get beautiful supportive emails from people that i know and that i don’t know, and little short comments from people from all over the world that are suffering in their own brain prisons.

let’s hang in there together, all.

recently i’ve been living in my topamax world where occasionally my senses are attacked and i feel the holy shit real effects of what a drug can do. when i am sitting down i feel like my head could very easily detach, fly over at a curve and rest on my feet. i am constantly dropping things when my hands are empty. everything that i drink that isn’t water tastes funny, flat, and metallic.

can i lose this weight? because i will isolate myself if i need to. if it gets much worse i will buy more locks for my doors just to remind myself that until i’m done being punished i need to sit the fuck down and think about this for a minute. i’ll weigh myself, weigh myself and weigh myself. and just be disappointed. i’ll throw out all the food until there is nothing in here to eat except for garlic salt and halfway melted ice cubes.

but talk to me, sean. i am busy learning how to talk about these things that bothers me. while i learn how to be a better person, i have to learn to talk. i’ve never been good at talking about these things – i swallowed everything until i started this blog, and i think that this is what helped me. but i guess this can’t be the only thing forever.

earlier i thought about trying to write this post as a fake obituary. my curiosity is such a motherfucker and i’m glad i am better than it sometimes. nap dreamed earlier and thought when the skin around your eyes is red chapped from crying and your bare feet are freezing put lotion around your eyes and put a pink blanket over your feet and curl up on your couch and take a sleeping pill or upper whichever you prefer – sleep just for the hours you need to or fuck off for a while because it’s okay –

thanks again for the 200 guys.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/10/11.

Posted in october 14
Tags: anxiety, apologies, bipolar disorder, cigarettes, crying, depression, dreams, eating disorders, guilt, hating self, insomnia, love, medications, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, self harm, sleep, suicide notes