me and september 29. 2014

wake up and you do not remember sleeping but you are shaking like the past day had been an awful nightmare though i had spent hours chewing sedatives like they were bubble gum treats while doing crossword puzzles in black ink like i had that much confidence in myself. but fuck you, here we go and i squeeze my eyes together until they are sore and i am busy predicting my own unhappy ending –

you are making my heart beat beating me while i am tossing and turning and waiting for the first little light of the new day and it must be around six or six thirty in the morning now and i am up out of frustration but have no need to be scared of sleep again for at least an hour or two or three –

there are things i know and think and dream that are so frightening i couldn’t possibly spill them on anybody and maybe this blog gets the short summary but only i can see just how my brain has been beaten and bruised like the fruit rotting on the kitchen counter in a tiny apartment – it smells like gasoline and uneaten french fries that i should have had for breakfast but i’m too busy vomiting up last night’s dinner to even attempt something so dangerous.  my air conditioner is failing and only my bare feet are cold. i’m writing notes to certain people in a certain language that is both lovely and frightening and i can’t seem to succeed no matter how hard i try –

i’m shaking again and i cannot stop it. thinking of my life as a somewhat organized disaster and there are periods when it goes silent, when i can sit here and think about the things and people that i love and it is enough – so i am okay for those minutes and the songs are not sad and they are gorgeous piano pieces with no words but i can make up my own and in these times all the words are green and silver shiny and innocent and thoughtful.

i think about how when you are born nobody tells you how much of a hell your mind will eventually become and how describing it like a prison is very appropriate. they have no idea of the loneliness and how much you will suffer every single day hour minute or extra long second.  there are no instructions or good advice on how to look around in the void and find ways to glance above and believe that you could actually pull yourself up and out someday.

this is just the way i dance. scars and all. you can see more of them after i am gone and they tear my body open and i guarantee it will be the saddest thing you’ve ever seen or smelled.

mid-morning. nodding off. pinching my arm to keep from falling asleep again because i cannot handle more bad dreams at the moment.

maybe by eight p.m. or midnight i will be ready, though it never matters if i am or not, because i just do as i am told.

good morning and here is nighttime.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/09/30.

5 Responses to “me and september 29. 2014”

  1. My friend, I just want to quote parts of your beautiful writing over and over! You deserve to be quoted like any literary icon!!

    But of course, like I say, it is sad to see the pain and upset you are going through. The nightmare. Like a nightmare going on and on with no ending. I can only but understand and comprehend this to a certain degree. Like they say, you don’t know how it is for someone if you haven’t walked in their shoes for a day. Hell, a day is not enough as it is I know!!

    I just always wish better for you. Because you deserve it. It sounds like you’re still going through so much suffering and it pains me.

    But of how I love your writing. You are such a talented guy and are special… I’m not just saying it!!

    Sending you some strength and a smile.

    • you more than most people understand these things, and it makes me just as sad to know that you suffer also. i’ve now been doing this blog for three years and you were there from the beginning. i’m always thinking of you and wishing your pain away the best that i can.
      thank you for saying such nice things. 🙂
      i’m sending you the same. on some days those gifts really do make a difference. ❤

      • Thank you. You are kind, you really are.

        I started also 3 years ago (minimum)… It may have been even longer than that bit I don’t have my old blog any more to see when I started.

        Nevertheless, yes, unfortunately and fortunately we are both here. Still suffering = bad, still alive and trying = good.

        Looking forward to reading from you soon.

        Take care of yourself.

  2. Beautiful writing, Sean. Breathtaking I think. I feel you 10,000%. The bright side (and there is a bright side) is that you’re becoming one hell of a writer.

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