alltheavenueslookugly

and then you feel like you’ve been to this place before – when you’ve watched parts of your life melt in front of your eyes and it is some amazing painting or candle that is burning down to the face and when you recognize the ways that you have sighed before it takes me back to those times over the years when i might have been standing still because i was too unhappy to even continue walking around doing nothing –

i saw my doctor last monday and we looked at each other and made our usual small talk and when he asked how i’ve been feeling i almost began to cry and then i remembered what happened the last time i broke down crying in his office almost two years ago today when i was suicidal and bleeding from my forehead after i used a razor blade to cut out a tiny imaginary zit that i am sure now didn’t even exist – but why else would it make sense to slice my forehead? and i didn’t cry on monday but told him i was sure the meds weren’t doing much of anything anymore. i told him i stopped the vortioxetine because it was a joke and i told him it was making me fat and i couldn’t go back to being fat again. he prescribed me some topiramate to help with that and then we talked about how we are really reaching the end of the list as far as medications go. i’ve been on almost everything and really don’t respond to any of them – unless i am dealing with the side effects – and he suggested that maybe our next step should be ECT. he told me of a doctor here in houston – a doctor he used to study under – who was very experienced in such treatments and wants me to make an appointment to see if i would be a good candidate. when i asked him if he thought i would be, he told me yes and he really believes it could be beneficial.

so that is my next step.

here i am right now, medication wise:

bupropion – 450 mg

oxcarbazepine – 900 mg

quetiapine – 500 mg

doxepin – 20 mg

topiramate – unsure. i haven’t filled the prescription yet.

it’s a sad and strange saturday night. the music is band of horses, and sometimes i am able to smile a little.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/09/27.

Posted in september14
Tags: bipolar disorder, crying, depression, eating disorders, electroshock therapy, hating self, medications, mental illness, posts about suicide, psychiatric hospital, self harm, therapy