me and september 03. 2014

what happens?

should we just all open ourselves up to everybody and let them giggle or express too much concern over the situations going on inside of us?

you have no idea. i could open myself up and all you could see –

oozing like snot and stupid ghost-like apologies going slow and slow and

i wish everybody could forgive me someday.

i’m concerned when i think about playing games with my life when throwing a handful of medications down my throat after drinking and wondering if it all could be my last and not even sure what that means but knowing enough to agree that maybe it is a great thing and it happens when the music speeds up and when they begin to hop around the stage with big stupid grins on their faces like this could be a wonderful stage show to impress a bunch of people that don’t really give a fuck but have wandered into this bar room to escape the rain –

i’m holding hands with all of you – and you know who you are.

maybe everybody has their plans already. maybe i don’t belong in the middle of the important conversations but i am still important enough to lick the back of your knees and remember how you once knew my name like when i thought you would never forget me.

it’s our goddamn childish behavior.

it’s our goddamn screaming at the evening to help give us some sort of feeling in those lost parts of our muscles that nod on command while they help us forget how to have an orgasm or smile.

my eyes water when i think of all the small parts of a normal life that i will never have and how some days i don’t think it is selfish of me to count the inches from the floor to the ceiling.

i don’t even know who i am talking to anymore and

maybe in my mind you can cuddle me against your chest while i dream about you being crippled and in love with me.

i don’t think you’ll understand because i could never make my words make sense to you in the room down the street across the border or sitting sad in canada.

words are letters with a dumb goddamn stink when they arrive like gangs and hug everybody in the pictures –

shhhhhhhhhhhh.

if you shiver you will get me.

if your smile cracks halfway to erection you might be able to understand what language tears speak either through alcohol or cigarette smoke on your forehead.

i know some of you sit out there pulling on your eyebrows in a –

and it kind of holds my wrists for me.

it kind of holds my elbows and you see that

while you hug me –

and we will all open ourselves up

some of us scream like a whisper

and some of us scream to an audience that only squeezes our shoulders on the way to the next tragic broken whatever it is that they see –

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/09/03.

10 Responses to “me and september 03. 2014”

  1. Thank you.

  2. I’m not going to “Like” this post. The little counter won’t have the Beautiful Wreck icon next to it. It’s not “like”able”. It sounds like it’s getting really rough for you Sean, more than ever before. I know it’s always been rough and have occupied that very dark space myself, as you know. I don’t pray to anyone/anything, howl at the moon, light candles, or any other bullshit, but I am holding you in my thoughts. Hugs, Stephanie

    • i really wish they had some sort of a ‘i don’t like this but i do understand’ button because i read so many things that i like only because the author is really letting me see how they are feeling, but i certainly don’t like that they are going through it.
      so i understand what you mean.
      i also appreciate you not praying for me because i also don’t subscribe to any of that.
      thank you for hanging in there with me and still reading. the comments i do receive really do feel like invisible tiny hugs and they are so warm.
      🙂

  3. This was really, really beautifully written, Sean. You are such a great writer, even though it’s heartbreaking that you being sad has to accompany the words… ❤

  4. This was incredibly written. Somehow, I breathe extra deep when I read what you write and a solidity settles in my bones that says it’s ok, even when it’s not. In fact, I never “read” what you write, I feel it…it’s rather unnerving at times, there are a few people who’s words not only resonate with parts of my life but who can express the depth you can with a mere 26 letters. You have a gift, Sean. And it’s beautiful. Even when life’s not. Love. xo.

    • thank you very much. you’re making me blush, nataly. i’m glad you are enjoying (?) – don’t know if that is the right word – them. it’s really nice of everyone to say such wonderful things. i’ll keep writing them as long as i have people who want to read them. and probably even when i don’t have people reading them. they’ll keep crawling out from between my teeth and settling on my paper. it’s always nice to see you. 😉

  5. I would love to hug you ❤

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