alltheavenueslookugly

there are death songs for me if this was a sad short film that i am narrating my thursday evening for as long as you might care –

and when you get yourself out of bed it cannot even be accepted as crawling –

the sun is going down around you and you feel every moment of the loneliness and how unbearable it is at times. you are trapped in your own head with nothing beautiful that you can recognize and nothing that you love that you can reach out and hold onto when it is becoming something that you cannot tolerate much longer. you are still sweating out the day when you drop your head back and swallow that fistful of pills that introduces itself as your evening snack.

you are crushing out a cigarette and kicking around the pieces of yourself that don’t matter much anymore. you can walk in circles around that place in ways or shapes you may not ever understand. it’s a possibility that you have cried in every corner of this apartment, and it’s a possibility real fucking fact that the depression is just getting worse now – every time you see that same sun arrive and when it hides.

you’ll forever now hear guitars out of tune.

reading books in made up languages and being mocked by the authors.

here you are, singing frankie valli songs into the open air.

it’s love only your way without excuses or too many demands.

it’s all yours to waste or to cuddle like a soft, imaginary lover.

i know you can’t help it. i know that you are sick and it’s in a way that people just cannot see.

i know that every breath of your life is forced and upset when they are visible.

and you’ll pause –

have you thought recently what the end will taste like? will it be like before, when you slipped into sleep and don’t remember the choking and vomiting? and instead of waking up it will all just stay black and all the thoughts will begin to deflate – every memory evaporating until you begin to smile in that long sleep – and you’ve made it.

you’ll have no cheerleaders but i’ll watch you until the bells ring.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/07/31.

Posted in july14
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, cigarettes, depression, dreams, happiness, hating self, insomnia, love, medications, mental illness, posts about suicide, self harm, sleep