alltheavenueslookugly

self-harm triggers. back off if necessary. 

so i met with the law firm on monday regarding my benefits. the lady filed an appeal for me and said it could take anywhere from 3-5 months to hear back. they are going to be sending some forms for my psychiatrist to fill out, so first they need to wait on those to return. then she said there was a good chance i would be denied again and that it wasn’t uncommon for that to happen. if i  am denied again then they will appeal one more time and my case will go before a judge. it could take another few months for the hearing to happen, but she said most of those that went before a judge were granted their benefits then. so i might be looking at 6-8 months. she said it could be earlier because i am only seeing one doctor, while most others have three or four doctors.

but still – what the fuck.

it’s ridiculous the hoops they make us jump through to get these. i’m sick and i just need some help.

it’s not easy. nothing ever is.

the anxiety itself hasn’t been so bad lately, but the depression is the worst that it has been in a long time. of course, that does nothing to help the anxiety. i just want to crawl underneath my couch, wrap myself in the cotton balls of dust, and just stop. drown somehow. sometimes the thought of cutting myself stands up and raises his hand. i see you and i remember you. you are so ugly but you feel so good and i can watch the sadness and the shit squeeze through the narrow gashes and disappear like smoke and in it’s place some fresh air can dive in and i can forget about everything for a little while  –

and i can wrap myself in slightly damp paper towels until they stop turning dark red and then peel them off like an upset bandage and maybe they will start bleeding again but eventually they will stop. they always do. and i will stare at them for a few minutes – checking on them every half an hour or so to make sure they are still there and they need no company at least until i cannot handle things again and need just a little bit of a break –

‘wow’

or ‘ow’

it has a start a stop and an end. in between are concerned looks and tears and hugs not breathing marking the feelings down on some sort of mood chart and being honest because why the fuck not? i’m not worried about this. i’m not proud of the fact that i could earn an a+ in some sort of self-harm exam like where to cut and when to stop and how to treat the wounds like friends when i am done.

there are hundreds of scars that i need them to stay with me. no peeling them away if given the chance. i worked hard for them. i suffered hard for them. they aren’t trophies or medals but reminders and only to me because they are nobody else’s fucking business and maybe they don’t look pretty to other people. that’s okay. i think they are ugly also. but they are mine and i have no choice but to love them in a strange way –

maybe this is all just an urge that will fly away soon.

i’ve certainly swallowed more of the upset that comes in next to my cigarette smoke and kept myself from letting it happen.

i’ll fight it – like every day.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/07/30.

Posted in july14, re-blogs
Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, cigarettes, depression, hating self, isolation, medications, mental illness, self harm, self-mutilation