me and july 25. 2014
i would like to – just once – take you on a stroll through my negative dreams and let you put some images to imagination –
inside here is not the hope that maybe you still have –
inside here angels don’t exist – nobody can save me, while i starve myself into headaches dry throat and daytime fantasies of all the consequences on my list.
even when i can draw up a smile i am still hurting while i think of yesterday and today and this evening and the minutes left until midnight and this becomes just one more day i have suffered through on my way to becoming a normal statistic that went out alone w/a smirk behind a closed door –
it’s simple to think about until i think about you.
and then it is like trying to dance with phantom limbs while i cover all of the mirrors in spit
and trying to see with all these little bright needle holes in my eyes – and this is where the sun shines in.
we could take a walk, a stroll through the morning and afternoons and i wonder if you are going to stay beside me and hold my hand while we eat these minutes.
one by one.
and i touch you, wonderful and alive.
i won’t forget that you don’t exist and even when my dreams are happy carnival love experiences – the one time and place i should be able to find you and for some reason i just can’t.
* * *
i know it is a friday night and i have sat here trying to get as much information as i can together for my meeting with the lawyer on monday. they might be able to help me get the benefits that i need so i am not stressing out about money anymore and i can go back to my normal stressors like self-harm and situational comedies and depression –
fuck, it’s been hurting a lot.
saw my doctor last saturday. told him of my problems sleeping, not sleeping, nightmares, etc. he prescribed me doxepin to help with this. i’ve started with 3 mg and it seems to be working kind of like trazodone, and by that i mean that it helps knock me out and leaves me groggy as shit the next day. i’ve been taking 1-2 hour naps throughout the day, often times falling asleep while sitting up. hopefully this annoying side effect will go away soon. here is my list now:
bupropion – 450 mg
oxcarbazepine – 1800 mg
quetiapine – 400-500 mg
doxepin – 3 mg
i am stable while i am choking on shit.
just like that –
alltheavenueslookugly 
Best of luck with your lawyer and in getting those benefits you are much deserving of! I am still trying to sort mine out too. Waiting for a letter from my psychiatrist and can then fax that and a letter from my social worker to the benefits people and ask that they reassess my level of disability as they haven’t given me a high enough percentage of disability.
Bastards, I hate all of this process! They just don’t care, they really don’t… when this is our well being both financially and mentally!
Good luck.
thank you, my friend. it really is a pain in the ass to get them. it’s strange, you would think that for something like this, it should be as easy as possible for us. part of my condition makes things like this so overwhelming and something i would usually avoid to keep my stress level down. but instead, they make you jump through hoops to prove that your illness is bad enough to merit the benefits.
good luck to you also. i’ll be crossing my fingers for you. 🙂
Thanks S.
Yes, it’s totally ironic how the things out there that are meant to help us in different ways actually causes more stress because they don’t operate well enough, and quite the opposite in fact!!
Good luck. Stick with it. Hopefully it’ll pay off. It has to!
Can’t wait for you to get those benefits Sean, if anyone deserves them you do. I am so lucky to have a normal working husband who doesn’t mind my early retirement, I just couldn’t do the panic attacks at my desk any more and the feeling that everyone was looking at me although when I’d check they wouldn’t be. Good luck, I am rooting for you….in every way 🙂 xo