me and july 18. 2014

it’s 1:55 in the morning.

35 minutes of sleep. and i am exhausted. but i am so scared to fall back asleep now.

my sleep has been fucked all week, but only in the way where i am just not tired, or find myself taking an hour or two hour nap in the middle of the day and then being awake until 3 or 4 a.m. and waking back up at 6 or 7.

but tonight was different. it was 1 in the morning and i felt sleepy. i had taken my medications about 2 hours before and i went to my bed and laid down and knew i was going to fall asleep.

i don’t know how it happened, but in that 35 minutes i had a nightmare that was so fucking unsettling that once i realized it wasn’t real i punched myself really hard in the stomach so that i wouldn’t accidentally fall back asleep again. and i won’t. no fucking way. the idea of possibly dreaming that again creeps me out enough that i will keep myself awake until the morning, when there is some light in every last bit of my apartment.

i don’t know if i can do it justice – if i will be able to convey the horror. but i will try.

one of the creepiest things i can imagine is waking up in a dark room and knowing a stranger is in there with you.

in my dream i woke up, and there was someone/something in my living room taking photos of different parts of the room with a camera phone. with every photo that was taken i would hear a soft ‘click’ and a green light would go brighter – though never bright enough that i could see who/what it was. i tried to get out of my bed and found i could only bring myself up a little bit before i fell back down – like somebody was holding me. i tried to yell out and ask who it was and in my brain i knew i was trying to say that – but when i opened my mouth i couldn’t make the words – just a distorted version of a question – like somebody was holding my tongue while i was trying to speak. but whatever was out there saw me move or heard me and started coming into my bedroom – closer, taking photographs of me with every step. i hid my face beneath my blanket but could still see the green light as it got closer. i brought the blanket back down and could see the shadow of whatever was taking the pictures. it wasn’t walking but kind of doing some slow, creepy fucking dance and it was sliding across the floor closer and closer to me. i tried again to yell and to move and i couldn’t. i hid my face again, and it crawled up onto my bed. i looked out again and even on the bed beside me i couldn’t see who or what it was, but i could tell they/it were on all fours just taking pictures of me. it took about eight of them, and i closed my eyes. when i opened them back up they/it was doing that sliding dance away from me, still photographing around them/it.

i tried one more time to jump up and now i could and that’s how i woke myself up. whatever had been there was gone, and i was fucking alone in a dark fucking room breathing hard and i was scared. i looked at my phone immediately and it was 1:45. right before i had fallen asleep i had laid my phone on the table beside me and before the screen went dark i could see it was 1:06. i know i fell asleep very soon after that.

sometimes my brain does things so awful that all i can do is cry and think about just how long i can go on living like this.

there is a horrible depression that never goes away, and it brings all sorts of extra bullshit with it.

and sometimes i just can’t handle it all. it’s too much. it’s too fucking much and then i am expected to worry about or deal with regular life on top of it all. a little regular life that includes grocery shopping, paying bills, doing laundry, talking to people without just wanting to scream until my voice rips apart and i can spit what is left of it out onto the floor and it will be noises silenced and  covered in blood and then people can see. they can feel uncomfortable but at least see that there is something terribly wrong.

i’m so tired. i just want to sleep. i noticed this afternoon that i am getting headaches and my balance is off when i walk around and this isn’t even something a doctor can help with. if they try hard enough they can get me to sleep, but they can’t stop these nightmares that make the idea of sleep as appealing as chewing my own feet off.

i know this will pass eventually. it does – and i just have to ride it out.

everything passes and is replaced by another and another.

it’s getting harder and harder to deal with them. all brilliant and shitty in different ways.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/07/18.

7 Responses to “me and july 18. 2014”

  1. I have been through a similar phase.. It Will pass away soon. Simply observe things as they come thus restricting your involvement to the minimum.. Take care.

  2. Everyone is different, with different experiences, but sometimes when you write I want to jump up and scream ‘me too!!’ I have retired early so people view me as having all the time in the world to accomplish so much. How do I explain my unmade bed, my inability to even brush my hair and god forbid going outside to even get the mail, let alone go shopping to replace all the food that has gone bad in the fridge. Thankfully there are some good days peppered in with the bad for me or I doubt I would still be married, I’m lucky enough he seems to understand even though he couldn’t possibly. I’m hoping and praying for some of your good days to come Sean, even just a short vacation from the sleeplessness and nightmares can make everything almost bearable for a while. As always, take care as well as you can and never lose sight of that sliver of hope that shines every now and then. HUGS

  3. i’ve talked with other people about this and i think i have mentioned it in this blog – how hard it is for those of us that suffer inside because it is not something that people can see with their own two eyes. and even when they see it, it’s almost impossible for them to try and grasp the severity of it all. it’s easy to empathize with people who are wheelchair bound, or confined to a bed with broken legs, but with us, no way. the way that depression looks on paper doesn’t even begin to shine a light on how much of a hell it actually is.
    i’m glad you have your husband that supports you. it isn’t easy living with somebody that has the illnesses that we do, but he is hanging in there because he loves you. that also says a lot about you as a person that he is willing to be there. that’s wonderful and important. 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words Sean, it is wonderful and important that he hangs in there for me, but as we have discussed, he can see my pain but can’t really feel it and when I took off my shoes and bolted from a Reds game a couple of weeks ago all he could do was run after me wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t know myself why the overwhelming urge to get out of there became unbearable. I hope I don’t wear out my welcome someday…but I also wonder if I try harder to plaster a grin on my face for him, and sometimes it even works the smile becomes real for a time. My little dog also makes me smile sometimes in the midst of crying, do you have any animals? I know they’re not replacements for humans, but, when married to my first abusive husband I would hold my cat and cry into his fur until I fell asleep and the precious little guy would just let me, usually purring for me…

      • my dog lives with my brother now. i moved to a small apartment and it was better for her to stay in the house that i lived in before. there she has a yard to run around in and another dog to play with. i miss her so much. i see her every couple of weeks – i try not to go too often because i don’t want to put her through me coming and going all the time. but he takes good care of her and she is really more his dog at this point.
        she is wonderful though.

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