me and july 15. 2014

it’s 1:30 a.m. and i cannot sleep even after taking my medication – and i am thinking about the thousands of evenings that i have spent like this – staring at the clock as it refuses to move and these hours between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. might as well be old shitty days and this is when the pain is more real and naked and covered in sweat and shit while performing acrobat stunts behind my eyes –

my cigarettes taste better.

maybe i am a better writer when car horns and smiles are replaced with the sounds of owls and crickets and _________.

i’ve talked before about how lonely of a disease this is, and the hours when the world sleeps around you have to be the loneliest. nothing around me can speak – the television is there just to entertain itself, the uninterrupted hum of my air conditioner and everything that is overwhelming me right now is magnified and i am completely alone.

god, this fucking hurts. every day of my life. i imagine all of the sleep i have lost, all of the medications that i have had floating around in my body, my arms that are covered in tiny white scars, and the times i tried so hard to end it all. this is my life. maybe at some point long ago i thought it would be different – and now i have to accept that this is it for me.

i cannot look in the fucking mirror right now and see what sean looks like on the outside.

i think about weird shit in these times.

it is 2:07 a.m.

weird shit.

my eyes burn.

i might start listening to opera while i do my crossword puzzles and see if it makes me feel more sophisticated –

my back might be crooked –

no fedoras.

i cannot concentrate on good ideas or what it would be like to be a professional tennis player.

no eggs. not even for 100 dollars.

could go die in a tree house while the rain fell around me, outside, and that beautiful smell.

if i go lie down and say nice things to myself – ugh.

2:26 a.m.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/07/15.

6 Responses to “me and july 15. 2014”

  1. Painful post to read my friend.

    I also couldn’t sleep last night until 4am. Just tossing and turning and worrying about everything, telling myself I can’t stand to live like this any more… Loneliness, suffering and all of it… I know how hard it is Sean, I really do.

    I’m with you in spirit and here too, genuinely.

  2. I also find the nights where everyone is sleeping peacefully, even my dog and cats, the worst lonely times. And what the hell is with tv programming during the wee hours, not only bad shows but the adds are sooo depressing making me think they are geared to me…you really are not alone with this part Sean. Maybe we can all chat on fb about stupid things when we can’t sleep, maybe we might smile ❤

    • i am lucky that i don’t have cable, so i rely solely on movies – but yes, i do remember a time when i would mindlessly watch those awful television ads and those seemed to be even worse and make me more depressed.
      i agree, a facebook group would be a good idea – though i don’t know how many people would be willing to join – as they go to great lengths to keep themselves anonymous on here.
      *hugs*

      • Well I believe I am already following you on fb and I am easy to find I am under Patricia Houghton D’Onofrio. I’m often up at night so any time my friend *Hugs*
        p.s I am reduced to playing cityville and freecell and looking up all kinds of things on google out of sheer boredom 🙂

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