me and july 15. 2014 – part 02
9:06 a.m. – still awake, not a second of sleep and too many wants
beside me there is a painting that was done by an excited chimpanzee
i thought about putting on clothes and walking downstairs and just walking away from everything. i have nowhere to go and i know all the dreams and doubts would ride piggyback on my shadow constantly reminding me that i can never get away from this. the time will run out eventually but for now it is here and it makes my face puffy and greasy and i can’t keep pretending that things are wonderful and am i even doing that? obviously fucking not because i am on my couch writing this and my fingers are sore because i am hitting the keys way too hard –
wooooooooooooooooo – can i stand being such a burden?
i watched the night turn to light red to blue to an overcast patch of houston sky and i want it to start raining. the rain always makes me feel a little bit better for some strange reason and i don’t believe it has anything to do with it representing some sort of cleansing or bullshit like that – but regardless, it’s peaceful even when the wind is destroying the trees and it is flooding and i am standing in inches of it with my bare feet and i am leaning against a brick wall smiling and it could even be sexual but i am not quite sure –
i need you to hold me when the rain stops, to help me collect my thoughts and hide them away because some day they might be worth a million dollars or valuable to a scientist that wants to study insanity –
i need you to pretend for a moment that i am okay – that my brain works like a marathon runner and not a crippled animal dragging his own bloody mess of a self through the grass, looking for a great place to close his eyes and let the world go white around him.
9:22 a.m.
i’m going to make it through this morning eating a protein bar and drinking iced tea.
i don’t think i am being unreasonable. i mean if i can’t sleep i should be allowed to ask for a little something.
my hands feel numb or even unbelievable.
9:26 a.m.
i’ll see you all soon.
alltheavenueslookugly 
I think you may get your rain today. Hopefully it’s not just one big tease. Sucks about the not sleeping.
My heart is broken for all my brothers and sisters struggling so hard with this shit! I’ve been where you are right now, Sean, and know how horrid it is. I’m not bullshitting about how it gets better, just letting you know I care about you and want to hear from you about what comes next. xo, Stephanie
thank you, stephanie. i know we all must have at least a little empathy for each other. hopefully. it really feels good to hear it every now and then. ❤
When daylight breaks and I still haven’t slept I hate the sun, maybe that is why I also love the rain, something soothing about the sound and the smell and it just feels better than the bright sunlight blinding my bloodshot eyes. It’s like it is for other people, normal people who sleep and think..gee what another wonderful day. All I think is well maybe I’ll sleep tonight which doesn’t usually happen unless I get teased with an hour or two while I dream about being chased or something worse. I am so with you there on that Sean but I have to add that little bit of hope, sometimes I actually feel good lately, always the possibility there to tease me, but precious when it comes. Take care my friend xoxo
those are all of the things that i love about the rain – the sounds and the smells are wonderful.
it is important to hang on to that little shred of hope and embrace those times when you are able to feel good, whether they be minutes or possibly even hours. i try my hardest to recognize and hold on to them when i feel them – as if they might never happen again.