me and june 28. 2014

a list:

1. the sadness

2. the paranoia

3. the hurt

4. the worry

 

i’m in here alone. surrounded by all these feelings painted on white cracked walls and the dust of my dreams from earlier –

the sleep is erratic and when i do get those two or three hours they are full of dreams that i am struggling to understand, and i’ve found that lately they are overlapping into the real world by just a few minutes – long enough to keep me from being able to tell just when the dream ended and when i came back into the world breathing with stiff shoulders and dry tears in the corners of my eyes.

i’ve found myself isolating more. i miss people so much but it’s so hard for me know how to talk to people without breaking down and not even knowing what i might say. i feel like i want to tell funny stories. i have no fucking clue.

just shut up and smile.

i weighed myself today and have gained four pounds since last week – most likely because of the medication. and now i hate me and am so scared of ending back where i was. and i refuse to let that happen. i won’t eat for a goddamn week if that’s what it takes.  i hate that i am at a place where not only is that an option but it’s almost a choice i don’t even have to make. i feel hideous.

maybe a therapist could come sit beside me and tell me  i am doing the wrong things. maybe they could tell me the reasons why. i really wouldn’t be interested until i became a skeleton with a desire to listen.

i don’t know how much of this is coming from a lack of sleep or it could just be a truth that i keep trying to swallow so i don’t rip my hair out and let them find me a bald shivering snotty fucking mess stuck to my couch. a pitiful carnival attraction that you can throw your pennies and nickels at because it doesn’t even bother me anymore. maybe the children can come up and peel the skin off of my arms as some grotesque souvenir.

i wish it would keep raining. i do love it when it rains.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/06/28.

5 Responses to “me and june 28. 2014”

  1. Hi friend.

    Ugh. So tough. I’m sorry.

    I am still waiting for some turn around for both of us! You’re still fighting on though, seriously, well done… Not that it’s going to help you by me saying that because obviously you just want to suffer less… I so hope this isn’t too far off.

    Take care.

    • i think we have to take these small victories – like making it through each day. take even a little bit of credit for being able to fight, you know?
      i also need to learn to take my own advice sometimes. 🙂

      • Oh ditto! I’m the same, truly. Everything is so distorted I can’t see anything most of the time, asides from all the awful stressful and rubbish things and am way to hard on myself. You’re so right about seeing the little victories. Absolutely right. We’ve got some stuff to work on! On we go… 😉

  2. Hey friend, haven’t been on for a while for similar reasons..my weight is always haunting me even though it is lower than when I used to throw up after every bite…it always haunts me and I know I shouldn’t weigh myself every day. Anyways I hope you can socialize as much as possible, I know it is hard, I really hate it almost always but sometimes it makes it better. Take care sweetie ❤

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