me and june 18. 2014

on monday i had back to back psychiatrist appointments.

the first appointment was with my regular psychiatrist and i told him that i took myself off of the risperidone. it was doing nothing except making me miserably tired to the point where it hurt, and i don’t need to be on garbage like that. i also informed him that i had been taking atarax again to help me sleep but that i had added another pill because my tolerance was building. we decided to take me off the risperidone and also the zoloft – because once again i told him that it does nothing but shitty things for me. we upped my trileptal to 1800 mg, and added seroquel – which is also going to help me sleep.

so here is where i am now:

wellbutrin – 450 mg

trileptal – 1800 mg

seroquel – 150 mg

i am also taking klonopin whenever the anxiety gets too unbearable.

so i am taking it often.

immediately after that i had my appointment with the disability doctor. it was uneventful. i filled out another packet and gave the doctor a synopsis of my illness – the amount of hospitalizations, showed her my scars from slicing my arms up, told her how i’ve lost so much weight in the past year in the most unhealthy ways,  and how many times i have overdosed with the intention of dying. she is going to forward on the information to the case worker that is handling my stuff, and now it is just a waiting game. i’m going to give it a couple of weeks and then start calling. i need this so badly.

i wish i could have told her that sometimes this all just feels like an existence between doses. how i’ve lost so many things i love because of this. how it has  sadly destroyed wonderful parts of my life. how i feel it living inside of me –

how i find a way to starve myself away from the humiliation even if it means my teeth are breaking and i am spitting them out in the shower.

how i spend hours alone wishing things had gone better.

how i sometimes have to develop comedy acts in my head that aren’t really that funny.

how i feel better in the clouds than i do in the sunshine.

how i mumble to myself and there is nobody in the room to laugh at me.

how i know that one day it will all be over and i wonder how the funeral party will be.

& how i used to hope that somebody could save me but eventually realized there is not a person in the world that can do that.

fuck, that was so hard to accept.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/06/18.

7 Responses to “me and june 18. 2014”

  1. Hi Sean,

    It’s nice to read from you.

    I hope that your medication changes will bring about positive changes for you. I’m also on Wellbutrin and Seroquel… Soon we’ll be on the same meds lol. The seroquel strangely doesn’t do anything for me even though I am on 600mg a day (200mg in morning and 400mg in evening). However, with that being said, I have seen A LOT of people on that med that I was in hospital with and a majority of people were helped so much by that medication and slept so much better and were calmer etc. So I hope it works for you too.

    On the other side of things, I am sorry to hear about your suffering but am so glad that you have been able to talk about it with the disability doctor for example as that’s obviously very important that you get your point across as to what you go through daily.

    Keep up your persistence and I am sure it will pay off…

    Take care x

    • good luck to both of us getting that money help. i for one know that it will relieve a lot of stress.
      yeah, a few people in my support group have been on seroquel, and it is certainly helped them. i was on it years ago, so we’ll see what happens this time. 🙂

      • Good luck too!

        I was meant to receive money from the housing benefit but didn’t receive as I was told I would.. So called them today for another argument and they said I WILL receive it on Sunday… hmm, I can’t say that I believe them but I damn hope they are telling me the truth!

        Good luck with the Seroquel… It’s a very good and popular medication as you know. It’s weird because when I took it about 2 1/2 years ago it really knocked me out and worked, but now it doesn’t at all, even at the beginning when I started it again. I guess it’s to do with what concoction you are on! So I hope your (alcohol free!) cocktail works well! 😉

  2. If anyone deserves disability, you do. I will pray that it happens quickly. I know these things can take forever; and in your case, I hope it doesn’t! Keep keepin’ on. You’re doing well because you keep trying. Don’t ever give up!

    • i sure hope so. i certainly don’t have forever to wait for this, and i feel like a good amount of my sanity is going to depend on this decision. i hope it comes quickly.

  3. Sean you are amazing in your perseverance. I hope the serequel helps with the sleep and anxiety and also that you can cut through the bullshit and get that disability quickly. Thinking of you an praying for you my friend. ❤

    • the seroquel has been knocking me in and out at different times – but it is different than the risperidal thankfully. i think about you often, and hope you are well. we just have to keep going on as much as we can. thank you for everything. ❤

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