me and june 10. 2014

i got a letter from the state disability office that they need more information before making the decision on whether or not i can receive benefits. they are sending me to a psychiatrist next monday in order to help determine how crippling my depression/anxiety/other assorted maladies are and then i just have to wait for them to make a decision.

my doctor says i am exactly the kind of person that needs this.

i cannot disrupt any more of the stability that i have left. i just can’t.

(erased)

i still don’t know why these medications – single one or combination of them is causing me to really crave cake.

i don’t think the risperidone is doing shit except drugging me up and causing me to take random naps which really do nothing but give me weird afternoon nightmares. thanks.

so near midnight i am thinking of

the drugs and how they make me sleepy near death in a surprise dream about flying in circles introducing myself

to others in a permanent state of mild embarrassment

i can stand back and watch me – eyes closed while the bed strangles me with invisible hands made out

of blankets and i am never nude because you never know when the world might decide that you

won’t wake up and somebody else needs to find you on the floor with your hands stuck, shaped like frozen claws

and face

bloated and frowning

and eyes stuck tattooed while

staring at the ceiling fan

 

this song is still playing.

it’s still playing the piano keys and those moans are fucking awful

i’m frightened watching the neighborhoods and buildings and trees flashing in front of me.

this 6 minute poem that seems to shock and sadden the crowd.

 

we’ll be okay.

we’ll be better than anyone ever expected.

we’ll cover ourselves in breath mints and spiderwebs and spend our last hours

holding hands and painting our exit on a dirty glass wall.

 

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/06/10.

8 Responses to “me and june 10. 2014”

  1. Ech, random naps with afternoon nightmares.. That doesn’t sound too pleasant.

    Good luck with the benefits, I hope it works out good for you.

    I’m still waiting on mine! Bastards! I had an assessment and was in there for less than 5 minutes and they hardly asked me anything. It was weird and I have freaked out that they simply haven’t heard enough! My file is still being ‘processed’ (bullcrap) for 3 weeks now and they said I have to wait another week for an answer. In the meantime, I didn’t get any benefits because of their MONTH in processing my file… Anyway, I hope it’s good for both of us and we get what we deserve… You deserve it 😉

    • yeah, i am not looking forward to this process. i have heard the worst horror stories about wait times and office politics. ugh. i’m sorry you are having to deal with them. i hope you get the answer you want and you get it soon.
      i think we have earned it. 🙂

      • I’d say that we have definitely earned it! Surely we should get SOMETHING in return from all of the crap we have to deal with already!!

        Good luck too.

  2. Thinking of you Sean. Hope you get the benefits…and find some peace ❤

  3. If there is any fairness left in the world, the benefits will come through for you Sean and take some of the pressure off you. Sometimes just trying to survive this medication merry go round is a full time job.

    • thank you, patti. i agree. and you are right, just dealing with these meds and the side effects feels like a full time job with days of overtime, and all you get in return is more kicks in the teeth.

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