me and june 04. 2014
i saw my psychiatrist this morning – they had an early last minute cancellation – and by the time i reached his office i was a shaky mess. i didn’t like the idea of being so far away from my apartment, and i had no idea how this visit was going to go. we spoke and i told him how bad my anxiety was – how it had never been this bad in my life. he said he could see my tremor. it was 8:45 in the morning, and i hadn’t slept since yesterday morning. i also hadn’t eaten anything besides a protein bar since early yesterday afternoon. i told him i couldn’t do either. the nervous the worry the fear of all of it was just too much. when i thought about food i got sick. when i thought about sleep i got scared.
we went through the notes for the past 6 years. at this point, all we can do is try different things and hope we stumble into something that works for me. it’s so hard for me to get excited anymore. i do everything i am supposed to do. i’ve been alcohol sober for 98 days now. i take all my medication every single day. i try and keep a normal sleep schedule. there is nothing more i can do. at this point i am putting my frightening life in the hands of tiny little pills that i am rapidly losing faith in. it’s this stupid battle that i have mentioned more than once. i did tell him that i have been taking clonazepam that i had left over from a while ago and some that i procured from somebody else.
he decided to take me off of the lamotrigine because i’ve been on it for months at both a low and high level and it is just useless. i’m not even getting the bad side effects of it anymore. and his plan is to put me on risperidone and see how i respond to it. i’ve been on it before, some years ago, and in his notes we apparently stopped it because i had hallucinations on it. strange, because that is exactly what the medicine is supposed to prevent. it could have been an interaction with whatever else i was taking at the time. we will find out soon. i’m to call him on friday and let him know how it goes so far.
he told me i am the skinniest he has ever seen me. he wants me to stop taking the clonazepam. we now have a standing appointment every two weeks until he feels like i have made some improvement. he is only writing my prescriptions for two weeks with no refills rather than for a month. he told me he doesn’t want me having all those extra pills in my apartment.
he isn’t stupid, and he does look out for me.
new medication cocktail:
bupropion – 450 mg in morning
risperidone – .25 mg in morning .25-.50 mg at night
sertraline – 50 mg in morning
oxcarbazepine – 900 mg per day
alltheavenueslookugly 
Ugh. So sorry to hear this, Sean. As you might know, risperidone is the same thing as risperdal. It was the absolute worst thing I’ve ever taken in my life- just an awful thing! Auditory hallucinations- felt like I was in a tunnel and I swear I could hear traffic and other filler noises from miles away. It made everything hyper-focused but in a bad way. No doubt, you know what I’m talking about. It connected me to actual “terrror” acutely. I still take my homeopathic medicinal regimen (that I shared with you via email) daily and still, the chatter remains dormant and I’m at peace, completely. Nothing’s ever worked so well for me. Hit me up if you ever want the info. again, or if you reach a point where you’re simply desperate and not taking prescribed meds any more. It’s been a miracle remedy for me. I’m no longer scared. I do know the fear you’re referring to. If it weren’t for MY medicine, I’d be a wet dishrag- unable to cope with even the smallest of tasks. But I have my life back.
I’ll be starting a double bachelor’s this fall in psychology and Criminal Justice. Question- have you given going to college any thought? Like, Distance Education via a laptop? That what I do. (Shoot, I just finished up my degree in Behavioral Sciences back in January- all via Distance Ed.) No doubt, you’d qualify for the full amount of financial aid AND loans. You’d receive probably around $5,000 per semester (twice per year)- with $3,000 or so “pocket money” after tuition. You could pay your rent for 4 months up front so all you’d have to do is focus on school then- that’s what I do.
I know you might think you’re under too much stress right now, but I had a complete break/split from reality (psychosis) and was locked away on the 3rd floor (psych ward) several years ago. I was there for almost 2 weeks, was released with a round of new meds, and the very next week, began the fall semester taking on 6 classes- no joke! It saved my life- no doubt, because it forced me to focus on something other than my “disorders”. It was NOT easy. But i chipped away at it, and eventually graduated.
Not only did I graduate, I began to understand the neuropathways of the brain and disorders, etc. I had to study the stuff for 4 years! I ate, slept, and breathed “mental illness, homelessness, sociology, psychology, drug addiction and other various addictions” and the brain every day for years. Now, I’m a different person because I’ve become educated- it’s like I took the power away from the beast. The fear is gone because I’ve filled in the blanks with FACTS rather than fearful feelings.
If you ever want to consider going in this area, drop me a line. I’d love to help. Give this some serious thought, ok? Let me know if you want to do that. Take care. x
hey, thank you. i am actually going to be emailing you soon regarding the medicinal regimen you told me about before. i think i am ready to give it a try. i’m pretty sure i still have the original email you sent me, and if i have any questions – which i am pretty sure i will – i will let you know. i thank you for all your advice. i’m glad it worked for you, and hopefully it might help me a little.
i’ll be in touch. 🙂
I hope that these changes will help you Sean. I’m rooting for you.
I’m glad that you were able to come off of the Lamictal. I’d like to come off of that too. And the Seroquel! I’m not happy with my meds at this point but I had left the hospital feeling a lot better but I only put that down to the Wellbutrin. But darn, I need something more for the anxiety level and not just Benzos, Benzos aren’t strong and long lasting enough!
Will be reading as to how you are doing.
Thinking of you!
thank you, friend. i had to be off my wellbutrin for a few days and i realized i never want to be without it again. i remember taking seroquel long ago and don’t recall doing too well with it.
and just like you, benzos don’t seem to be enough for me either. they make me sleepy and i pass out for a little bit, but other than that, they really do nothing.
i hope you can get off of that seroquel.
one day, we’ll find what works for us. someday. 🙂
Seems like me and you have something in common with the Wellbutrin! It’s the ONLY antidepressant that I’ve taken in my four years of trying tons, that I actually feel is helping me. More so when I was in hospital, my mood raised quite a bit and I was laughing and smiling and felt and looked alive. It’s the only med to have helped me like that. But now in out of hospital and things have been very tough so I’m feeling depressed again but nothing like it was before. It definitely just calms down the depression for me so I cry less and it’s less intense in general. And I stopped smoking with Wellbutrin too! Already stopped a couple of months ago.
Now anxiety is the bitch. My oh my. How it’s got a hold on me!! Awful!!
On we go… Take care my friend. X
i feel like if the two of us combined our blogs and published them we could create some super bible for those with mental illness. we should give that some thought.
the wellbutrin is definitely helping me slow down my smoking. i love that.
yes, we shall tackle the anxiety. let me know if you find something that helps. mine gets worse by the day.
Cool, glad the Wellbutrin in working for your amount of smoking too! I started on 150mg and after a week or so, I already cut what I was smoking in to half. Then went up to 300mg and that was it, totally stopped! Made me feel literally sick if I tried to smoke and no other option but to quit!
Anxiety is a beast. Many things are but anxiety can be real bad! I was out at the mental health group today and my anxiety was awful! Painful tight chest and difficult to breathe. Just out of my control recently!
Anyways. On we go. Hope we shall find solutions 😉
I need a competent psychiatrist. I think it’s great you have someone that is looking out for you.
i hope you are able to find a good doctor for yourself. it can really be a process, finding somebody you vibe with who is also not a moron. good luck. 🙂
thank you. i’m realizing now that i might be able to have my cake and eat it too.. i always thought i had to compromise one over the other. alas! alack. 😛
They put me on wellbutrin in the hospital and I had a severe panic attack that same night. Found out later that it is contraindicated for panic disorder. I can’t understand your doctor taking you off the clonazepam…
yeah, me neither. but fortunately i had quite a few left over, so i just take them when i need them. at this point in my life i feel like i have a pretty good understanding of my meds so i know what i am doing.
the wellbutrin can do that, especially if the dosage is kind of high. people need to be careful with it.