me and may 22. 2014

the depression hasn’t been too bad in the past few days, but my anxiety is showing it’s bones and reminding me just how bad it can get.

it makes sense. there is no time off from this shit. something is going to be with you, clutching your leg as you try and walk. hiding in your shadow whining and daring you to try and make it through the day.

it’s when it all hits me at once – the depression, the anxiety, the jumping moods, the fears and the self-doubt and inability to even look at myself. it would make things a lot easier if i was allowed only one of these at a time. i would know what kind of medications i needed to be swallowing, and prepare myself for the fight. but no. they love to come together. like some stupid band of hateful assholes.

the doors look dark – all of them except for the front door that has a string of paper hearts taped to the surface. and as long as the tape holds they will stay there watching me while i watch them so i will never completely forget the appearance, the smell, the meaning, and even if i am sitting on the couch and i am choking on reasons to stay or not to stay i can see it there just for me.

time is still moving. the world is moving without me. that is real.

here i am – buried beneath an avalanche of anxiety, empathy, and love that must be miles and miles away.

my anxiety disorder is picking off at least ten different hangnails by yourself while somebody is timing you from another room and you have no idea what contest you have entered and what will happen to you if you don’t complete the task because you don’t know this other person and have no idea what they plan to do – so your hands are shaking something terrible and even if you are able to grab that hangnail you are probably going to tear it too hard and finish the night with little bloody rips on your fingers – and then this fear goes away and you forget what you are doing – and can be calm for moments.

driving to my support group tonight i had to grab my right leg with both hands to keep it from shaking while i was at a red light.

then i got scared and maybe i made a mistake thinking i could come out in this condition.

in any goddamn condition.

then i was scared.

i needed gas.

no way could i handle that right now.

standing at the gas pump.

nervous. like i am naked and covered in colorful blisters and maybe i’m being stared at. maybe not. but i can’t take the chance.

inside the church. in group now and my heart is slowing down and i feel comfortable enough to curl up in the chair and share and listen.

group is done. made it to the car.

decided i can wait on gas until tomorrow.

it might be a mile home.

nerves come back.

drove straight home. no stops.

i’m at my apartment.

i parallel parked like shit and i had to keep trying otherwise i was going worry all night that people were writing notes to stick on my windshield about what an asshole i am and how i need to learn how to fucking park.

people were probably watching me try and try again. sitting on their porches and pointing.

goddammit. those invisible eyes were making it worse.

i get in. i’m done. i walked fast inside.

i closed the door behind me. locked the handle and the door chain.

then i was safe.

and i have my water bottle and my medications and the string of hearts on my front door.

now i try and sleep to be ready for tomorrow.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/05/22.

17 Responses to “me and may 22. 2014”

  1. Anxiety is a horrible ass-buster. Keep fighting the fight! xo

  2. <3-<3-<3-<3-<3

  3. Shoot, let me try that again: ❤ – ❤ – ❤ – ❤ – ❤

  4. Anxiety is the absolute pits. I only venture to a small area near my house these days, and only to places I am comfortable where I have been going for years. All the logic in the world can’t talk my brain into letting me venture just a little farther out of my comfort zone. Good thing I prefer to be a homebody anyway… sigh.

    • yeah, i consider myself lucky to be a homebody. being by myself in my apartment really doesn’t bother me all that much. i can’t imagine how much worse this would be if i were wanting to go out, if i needed a lot more of the human interaction. i’m safe and snug here.

  5. Thinking of your Sean… It’s a whole lot of tough stuff to go through. I feel ya.

    Please hang in there (don’t you hate that piece of advice)… BUT I do believe that you should hang in there and not give up. Keep fighting on. Set yourself little goals. Real little ones. Mine is just to get out of bed today even though I climbed back in after 2 hours. But OK, 3 hours next time.

    Take care x

    • absolutely. it took me years to accept that setting the little obtainable goals was the way to go. i was impatient and expected too much too soon. baby steps now and i can be pleased with a few small results than no results at all. today my goal is to finish my disability paperwork and mail it off. this can be achieved if i stay off the internet (mainly youtube) and stop doing crossword puzzles because i know those things will be there later. it will be a relief to finish the paperwork. it can be done.
      lets you and me and everyone else just get through today and tomorrow and so on.

      take care. 🙂

      • Good for you – Very glad to hear you speak like this Sean… I know that both down we know what we need to do and we know what efforts we can put in to fight the difficulties and improve things so well done you… And I’m still working on doing anything much more than sleeping too much, rehab work that I don’t want to do but I know that I need to, and not much else which is frustrating me and boring me out as it is — Next week, I’ll see if there is anything I can do to change even little bits of my situation.

        Have a good weekend. You take care too.

  6. This is probably the best I have read in a very long time…. If not the best. Keep writing! You are magical!

  7. Oh Sean, can so relate to the anxiety in some ways I hate it more than the depression. I am on clonazepam which sometimes helps.

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