me and may 16. 2014

dark apartment and outside i can hear what is either fireworks or the night has loud belly grumbles.

so, thanks to the affordable care act i now have health insurance. it kicked in on may 01, and now my trips to the pharmacy aren’t quite as frightening. the medication i was on was costing me 300 – 350 dollars, and now it is anywhere between 35 -70 dollars per month. outstanding.

speaking of my medications…the doctor has weaned me off of the buspiron and the hydroxyzine, raising my lamictal (i have that wonderful rash to look forward to now) with the intention of getting me off of everything but the mood stabilizers.

my anxiety is fucking ridiculous. it’s gotten way worse – even before getting off the buspiron – and really the only way i can feel safe is when i have double-locked my front door and am curled up on my couch beneath a blanket. i have some spare clonazepam that i might be able to take to help me until my next appointment.

okay, i think it is fireworks.

i’m still feeling disgustingly overweight. i really need to stop eating unhealthy shit, but one or more of these medications is giving me an unusual sugar craving. i normally can do fine without sugar, but now i want cake.

the zoloft is quickly destroying any sex drive that i might have had left. thanks a lot, SSRI’s.

shit. whatever.

my hand tremors seem to be making their way into other parts of my body. i was having dinner by myself last week and another patron came up and asked if i was okay. i told him i was, and asked why he was asking.

‘dude, you are shaking all over. you ain’t about to seizure right?’

as soon as he said it i could notice how bad it looked. it was embarrassing.  i told him i was fine and left.

all of these are just making the anxiety worse and i am so self-conscious – even more so than before.

but i am staying sober. 80 something days now.


i am 33 years old, and i am an unemployed single man with severe mental illness and no idea what it feels like to not feel this way.

this is just my strange promise.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/05/16.

17 Responses to “me and may 16. 2014”

  1. Hi Sean,
    I’ve been reading your thoughts(blog) for a while now and finally decided to comment. There’s a lot we seem to have in common. I had been diagnosed with MDD with psychosis but that was apparently changed to Bipolar 2 during my last hospitalization (Feb. 2014 – May 2014. I have had over 30 ECT’s and it has really fucked with my memory and cognitive abilities. I used to be a small animal vet. but was fired in June 2010 for being mental and I honestly don’t think I COULD safely practice medicine again any time soon. I also take Zoloft(ditto the sexual side effects), Lamictal(I’m waiting for the rash too), Trazadone for sleep(doesn’t really help), and Seroquel. I frequently self harm and have many thoughts of suicide and (obviously) unsuccessful attempts. Luckily, I recently got Medicare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield coverage to help with the medication costs It’s fucking ridiculous what these pharmaceutical companies charge, isn’t it? Congratulations on the 80+ days of sobriety! I’m dependent on daily pot use and really believe it’s the only reason I’m still alive. I can so relate to the manifestations of mental illness – despair, anhedonia, lack of motivation and feelings of worthlessness. Right now, the only thing I keep saying to myself is hang on and give yourself time. Easier said than done. Wishing you all the best and hope that SOMETHING starts making sense soon and you start to feel better. Take care, Doc.

    • hey there. yeah, it certainly sounds like we have a bunch in common – even those with mental illness don’t necessarily know how it feels to be actually one-hundred percent suicidal. some of them fortunately never reach that point. it’s a shit show, and hard to describe.
      but you know.
      aside from the side effects, do your meds seem to be helping any? trazadone used to knock me out – but the sleep hangover lasted way too long the next day. i’ve become very good at soaking in all the horrible effects of these medications and barely feeling any of the benefits that others seem to easily acquire.
      yeah, the pharmaceutical companies are a really awful fucking joke. it’s sad that they don’t seem to care about how many people are suffering and dying because of greedy bullshit. it’s a shame.
      i go through many days where all i can do is hang on. i think we all have that little little bit of hope somewhere inside of us. otherwise, we’d be dead already. it’s not much, but it is something.
      take care of yourself.

  2. you are the male version of me. i could have literally lived in perfect sync. all the way down the the meds. im 33 as well. love it. im not alone.

    • at least you aren’t alone. it really helps to have somebody that can understand and support you. i hope things are going better for you.

      thank you so much for reading. 🙂

  3. I just started the lamictal – going to go all the way to 400mg and then get off of lithium. I’m nervous about switching – but keep hearing lamictal is low side effect. I hear you about the tremor too – when I was on 1200 mg of lithium my tremor was bad – clerks at stores would comment on it. sorry you have to go through that. best of luck with all of your medication changes and awesome news about the insurance!

    • good luck with the lamictal. i definitely had more bad side effects with the lithium, and my shaking was a lot worse. if by any chance you start getting the rash from the lamictal, your doctor might start you off on a smaller dose and up it slowly. the first time i was on it my old doctor gave me a really high dose all at once and i broke out all over the place. but it went away after i stopped taking it, and later on i started low and crept up and no rash. 🙂

      • Yeah – I’m actually starting off really low – 25mg now, and then working my way up to 400mg. It will be a slow process. That rash is scary stuff!

  4. I just enjoy your posts no matter how you’re feeling because I know every day you’re giving it all you have to just hang on. The sobriety will help – I know it helped me. And with the weaning of other medications you’ve been on will help too. I believe better days are ahead for you and am happy you continue to give all you’ve got. It gives so many others hope. We are not alone and I think we outnumber the supposedly “sane” people. If there’s any such thing.

    • thank you. yeah, the things i have been doing – or not doing – aren’t really helping tremendously but they certainly aren’t hurting. sometimes that is all i need. just keeping on. day by day. knowing there are so many of us out there does make it just a little bit easier. take care.

  5. We’re staying sober my friend! Me, a month now. Just one slip up when I came out of hospital 5 weeks ago. Don’t want to go back to it. Yuck.

    I understand about the weight thing. I’m getting pissed off about it. I put on 11 kilos whilst in hospital for the 4 months. ALWAYS put on weight in hospital. It’s like there’s no other way!
    But now I’ve been out for 5 weeks, I just had this few day stay now and I was weighed and was so sure that I had lost weight in the last month or so… But NO, same weight exactly! I know I’m looking after myself though. I am eating a lot less, but when I do it’s mostly rubbish.

    Reading this now just triggered something in me because this (excuse me) FAT ASS psychiatrist has written on my discharge paper from yesterday upon leaving that in 6 weeks time I need to do a fat and sugar ‘profile’. I’m like… whaa!? Well, I found out it does just mean that – I’m fat lol. I know that I’m probably 10 kilos over what I should be (maximum), but I get treated like I’m obese. And I imagine you are NOT obese either! Just a bit over…

    I hope the med changes will be positive for you. Take it easy. Things take a bit of time, as I know you are well aware of too.

    Take care my friend x

    • congrats on staying sober! it isn’t the easiest thing to do, because it means that i have to acknowledge my illness every single minute of the day, but it does keep me from suffering through a next day dying brain. my problem is that if i have too much fun one night – sober or not – my mind makes me suffer for it later. it’s just a stupid cycle. some days it is worth the next day pain, and others it really isn’t.
      it is shit the way these medications are more likely to make us gain weight. for those of us with body issues, it is just a slap in the face. i tell them stop feeding me these dumb pills if you don’t want me looking like this. 😉
      i’m just going to hang in there. i’m glad you are doing the same.

      take care, my friend. 🙂

      • Glad you are hanging in there too – I do hope things will get better in all these areas of our lives – It’s so tough. No denying that.

        I’m trying (as in thinking and still not doing really) to sort out to go out for fast walks for 20 minutes a time 3 times a week – But yeah, am not doing it. But me and my sister started going out to walk for an hour on Saturday nights – You know, she’s heavily pregnant and I am not going out to party on Saturday nights either (!) so we make a good pair! For now, until she’ll be at home with the baby! Then I’ll have to stick to the routine and go by myself.

        I’ve heard for too long about exercise and how important it is, regardless of how the pills have their negative side affects too…

        On we go – Take care xx

        • good luck with that! seriously. i don’t know how many times i have tried to begin exercising but just cannot stick with it. every thing i have tried (gym, walking, running, etc.) i might do for a few days, but then i get bored and stop for months. having someone to do it with definitely helps. as least in the beginning. 🙂

          • Definitely yes. I’ll need to find a new walking partner soon though because my sister is slowing down quickly!! But no friends to start with so no walking partner for sure! I doubt I can be self-motivated enough to do much…

            Ugh. Before the breakdown I was going to the gym three times a week and was slim and now the opposite of everything!

            But we are breathing and there is possibility for change so on we go 🙂

  6. Hey turkey! :0) Glad to see you still pushing forward. And, a very big congratz for staying sober- that’s HUGE, dude. Rock on. Good to see you. x

  7. 80 days sober is amazing! I go a week and think I deserve a medal 🙂

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