me and may 02. 2014

it’s dizziness coming in spurts throughout the day.

it’s a horrible destruction of my memory –  it goes short term but finds time to forget other memories from weeks or months ago.

it’s my eyes that are clouding up until it is almost blinding if i  am looking at something close up it is fuzzy and ugh.

it’s dry mouth that is unlike any i have had before. if i don’t drink some water every few minutes or so it’s suddenly spiderwebs and sandpaper that have taken over and even my tongue feels like a cat’s tongue.

it’s my ability to hide when i find it necessary – but i’m not alone in here?

brain zaps. happening. zip zip. zap.

my sleep has been choppy. nightmares still.

it’s hallucinations – in my peripheral  (mostly birds, bugs, and sophisticated gentlemen with top hats.) i only see them briefly, but they scare me every time. when they are feeling especially rotten they will run up beside me and i won’t notice them until they are too close to being on top of me. they don’t make noises i flinch. i jump. i react how everybody might react when they are frightened.  i haven’t had hallucinations in years.

all of this is just recent. after that last episode.

i don’t know what happened.

and it is so difficult to explain.

i’m afraid that i am falling apart, piece by fucking piece.

so frustrating that i’m doing everything i can or need to – and nothing.

just the medications.

that’s all.

a handful of pills in the morning and evening. that will keep me from going completely insane and wandering off with those shadows through the city and disappearing before the sun comes up.

these side effects are just throwing shit on me that i don’t need. there are too many to examine and they all have a special voice – adopted specifically for you  and your struggles.

my goddamn plate is  overcrowded and the tiniest scraps are dropping to the floor.

i’ll be fine as long as i have those 22 minutes after commercials, when it is  time for the sappy music and ugly fucking sweaters and advice from the goofball in the family.

and we all hug each other.

the end credits cover us while we are frozen forever in the arms of people who love us.

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/05/02.

9 Responses to “me and may 02. 2014”

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this Sean. Hang in there, hopefully this will pass soon. ❤

    • thank you. it’s a roller coaster, and i’m just waiting for it to even out. it’ll still be scary, but comforting because i’m not being shot up and down. i hope you are doing okay yourself. take care. ❤

      • Yeah, a smoother ride would be nice. You certainly deserve it. I’m doing pretty good, thanks for asking! love my new therapist and just joined roller derby 🙂

  2. I feel real bad for you. I care about your well-being. You say the meds keep you sane? If I am right in saying that’s what you said then my question would be what about all the side effects and hallucinations!? I know medications can’t do everything but you seem to be suffering with a lot of things.
    I so hope that you have support Sean…
    Take care x

    • the meds are so strange. the side effects are horrible, but i feel even worse when i am not on them. right now we are still trying to find a cocktail that works for me. it’s a struggle but a necessary one.
      and yes, i do have support. i have some incredible friends online and in real life. it helps so much. i hope you are having a good day, my friend. 🙂

      • I am SO glad to hear that you have support also outside of the ‘virtual’ world. That puts my mind at rest.

        I sure understand about getting the right cocktail. It’s taken me 4 years with the DRs and only now has the mix been helping me. But it can change like that in an instant so I hope that this will happen to you too!!

        Bit of a crappy day for me, alone. Just in bed most of the time or watching some TV shows online… Or both! Laying in bed AND watching stuff on my laptop. Feeling like I am wasting my minutes of life away,,, But know that I’ve got to stop being so tough on myself. Tomorrow I hope will bring better things.

        Take care Sean xx

  3. i have that hope that someday we will figure out the best cocktail for me. i have to have that hope, otherwise i would go crazy.

    looks like we have the same day planned.

    hugs to you!

  4. I am here whether online or in person with support and love. You are struggling and beating it every day, one day at a time. Don’t ever give up. You will get the right “cocktail” and I know preferably sooner than later.

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