me and april 26. 2014
my hallucinations are always trying to sneak past me, but i catch them out of the corner of my eye. i turn my head and they are gone just as quickly as they appeared. they are shadows with ugly-shaped bodies. sometimes they might giggle like assholes, but whatever. sometimes they show up looking like cockroaches because my mind knows how scared i am of those things. i know they don’t exist in front of me at the time but i also know that i saw them – i might be crazy or super aware of the awful.
the apartment feels smaller today. the walls cannot close in on me, and i also know that. until my brain flips and suddenly i have to be extra careful because the fucking walls are moving together and shrinking and starting to look like a coffin. if this is it, well lets get to it. no more time to waste. i grab a glass of water and sing myself to sleep so that when i wake up the walls have gone back to where they came from and i’m not trapped in some random white death box. i’m sitting upright on my couch. all of the lights are on. bright. so many more shadows that aren’t moving yet. i’m watching them closely – just in case.
don’t know if it’s the medications – but i’m pretty sure it is. at this point we would have a hard time determining which old medication, specific pill, combination, or if it’s a new pill that was bold and just jumped right into the medication orgy.
– god awful cotton mouth that i’m trying to cure with water. sometimes it’s just impossible. and i have to be careful when moving my tongue in case it is sticking to the roof and i had no idea.
– brain is an ugly dangerous dog trying to fight his way out through my forehead.
– lethargy taken to ridiculous extremes and every walk into the kitchen feels like i am crossing a goddamn desert.
– appetite zero. (woohoo!)
– short term memory assembled poorly and i’m having trouble recalling certain things from yesterday or three hours ago.
– shaky. left hand occasionally doing some strange dance that i don’t understand.
fucking side effects. i swear.
i’m glad that my black socks are matching with my pajamas. i don’t need another worry.
alltheavenueslookugly 
Oh boy, it’s tough. Sometimes those side effects just suck so bad! I just hope that they will go away very soon and in turn they will help you Sean. I really hope they will.
Stay hopeful. I know it’s tough to but you never know what can change within even a short amount of time – it happened to me. I know, not all perfect, but just so much better – so it can absolutely happen to you also.
Keep those lights on and don’t be in the dark 😉
i am so pleased to read that you are doing better. even if it just a little, at least you aren’t feeling worse. i know there were times when it was really overwhelming to you, and you pushed through. that’s awesome.
i’m so glad to know you, and you inspire me. thank you.
hugs. 🙂
Thanks Sean, that’s really sweet of you to say.
We are all an inspiration to each other. Doesn’t matter how each individual manages to cope, or is in a real bad place, or is having some changes — It’s still a very tough ride.
All the best.
Side effects have been the reason I have stopped taking meds so many times, even though you think I’d finally learn that the big suicidal crash that ensues isn’t worth it. We all have different reactions to different meds and with time, sometimes, the side effects calm down. I hope this will be the case for you. Take care and keep writing 🙂
i know i have mentioned it before, but i always look at those people who are able to find those medications that not only help them, but the side effects are low and easily worth it.
yeah, it’s strange. often i think about just getting off of them, but i also know that suicidal crash you mention. it’s like i am not good, but without the meds i am even worse.