me and april 24. 2014

current medication list and doses:

benztropine (cogentin)  – 2 mg

bupropion (wellbutrin) – 450 mg

buspirone (buspar) – 45 mg  (currently being weaned off of this medication)

hydroxyzine (atarax) – 50 mg – 100 mg as needed

lamotrigine  (lamictal) – 25 mg

oxcarbazepine  (trileptal) – 900 mg

sertraline  (zoloft) – 50 mg


i saw my psychiatrist on monday and he seemed to think that taking a few months between jobs was a good idea as long as i could afford it. if i started getting cabin fever, he suggested that helping out friends when i could, or volunteering somewhere. it’s not a bad idea.

i’m already feeling that uncomfortable feeling that is some easy mix of serious anxiety and low self esteem.

before, i couldn’t imagine being off of work for more than a week or so. i became anxious to get back. i loved my job.

over the last three years that i worked there, they were more than supportive about what i am living with. i think the only reason i was able to work was because i knew if i suddenly needed to go home, or even if i just couldn’t get out of bed, and i didn’t have to worry about them being upset. i can’t imagine finding a new place to work and trying to bring that subject of my illness up. at least right now in the middle of all of that. i know legally they couldn’t reject me for having bipolar disorder,  but we all know there are ways around that.

ugh, i can’t think about that right now.

and maybe it’s because i don’t have a place to go, but now when i think about trying to get a job later i become nervous, scared, and shaky. i don’t know if that is a sign that i do need some time. i’m afraid to imagine going to apply for a job while all of this is going on. i need to be free because eventually we are going to start tapering off of some medications and  introducing new ones. considering how easy it is for me to react to side effects, it might be best that i don’t have to worry about going to work and the other stress and i can approach these attempts without much worry that i am disappointing anybody.

my days pass by. i’ve been book  writing to keep me calm.  i’ve been trying to force myself into some kind of activity that gets me out of my apartment. at least every two or three days. if not, i could easily nail boards over my windows, double lock the front door, skip the shower (but still brush teeth) and just do a much better job at hiding myself.

i’m trying to what i can. everything that i have done in the past and shiny new things.

sometimes it is easy to get so frustrated.

just have to keep thinking that i have been here before. i’ve been in this spot. years ago. of course, then i dealt with it by starving myself and snorting cocaine. those aren’t options any longer.

today i am still booze free. today it has been 2 months. i thought it would be a little more difficult, but really it hasn’t been. there are those times when i think a drink would probably calm me down.  but i’ve been marathon watching Mad Men, and it reminds me of the embarrassing shit i did when i was drunk, and just how fucking awful hangovers were.

so thanks, Mad Men.

i hope all of you are doing okay. we just need to put our heads down and keep going.


~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/04/24.

12 Responses to “me and april 24. 2014”

  1. You sound so good. Congratulations on 2 months! I think volunteering, helping, is an excellent idea. It can be so therapeutic. One day at a time my dear friend.

  2. I’m excited for you! a couple months off could be awesome. what kind of volunteering interests you? I volunteer at a mental health housing facility. It’s awesome and surprisingly comforting for me. I think this sounds like a really great opportunity for you to get grounded and focused on your well-being. You got this. ❤

    • i live pretty close to the gigantic medical center here and one of my clients
      told me that sometimes they have small salons so people can get their hair done without leaving the hospital. and if they were correct all the stylists are volunteers. there are so many spots down there that i might look into.
      hope you are doing okay. 🙂

      • that sounds perfect! take your time though – relax, enjoy yourself. let yourself be lazy. rest. all that good stuff. downtime is so important. I’m doing good – it’s been a rocky few weeks, but nothing too bad. thanks for asking 🙂

  3. You can volunteer on my hair anytime.

  4. I’ll come to you. You just provide the scissors and something entertaining on the tv. Afterward we can work on a puzzle. I could even pay you in tofu.

  5. You sound a lot more ‘with it’ Sean. As tough as it is losing your job, you are coping well and thinking rationally. Try to give yourself some time before finding a new job if you can. But like you said, you’ve got to keep yourself busy and not cooped up at home which is not good.

    Alcohol free – me too for a couple of months also. My psychologist recommended that I go to AA. Not sure about that but we will see.

    Good luck with the med changes. I hope you have positive results there.

    Keep us updated and well done on your progress. x

    • i spoke to my psychiatrist and he told me that he thought a break might be good for me. i’m trying to keep busy with doing some haircuts in my apartment every couple of days and work more on my writing.
      congrats on the alcohol free! i was referred to AA, and it wasn’t for me. i am not an alcoholic, just a mentally ill individual. complete difference.
      i won’t lie, these med changes are rough. especially being on so many. but what else can i do? it just becomes another battle with myself until i can figure more things out.

  6. You sound so upbeat considering the circumstances, I am really happy for you! I know what you mean about forcing yourself to get out of the house every little while. I have been developing a friendship with a really nice woman who is always getting me out to go shopping or lunch and now, uggg, exercise! I always moan and groan wishing I hadn’t agreed to go and then suddenly when I am out I realize I am feeling better. My natural urge is to board up the windows and sit in the dark with Netflix. You are doing a great job Sean, I am happy for you friend 🙂 ❤

  7. it’s so hard to move yourself sometimes. impossible on those days when you feel like you have thirty different hands helping pin you down. not easy to shake them off and go –
    most people don’t understand unless they have been in this situation – at least a few times. and it is difficult to explain the difference between what is happening with us and those other people who are just lazy.
    i’m glad to hear you are getting out some. hope you keep it up. 🙂

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